Untitled.
27 August 1998
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an open letter concerning see:
to whom it may concern,
as see is coming closer to becoming an actuality, and it is looking like i am going to be the first settler, i feel like i have to somewhat publicly share my thoughts on my involvement. when see was still very much in the planning stages, about 18 months ago, i was starting to think about the next major "theme" in my life: architecture. my father was living in austin at the time, and one of the schools i was looking at was the university of texas. it seemed a fortuitous coincidence that the location for see had been narrowed down to the austin area, and i very enthusiastically stated my interest.
flash forward about a year. i was driving to an fmf chapter meeting, and was feeling overwhelmed with self doubt. one of the potential settlers had pulled out completely, another was planning on maintaining a residence at see, but not living there, a handful more were waiting on word of outside events over which they had little or no control, and i didn't know it yet, but yet another would be announcing later that day that they were postponing their involvement for two or three years. i felt a great responsibility, an obligation, to keep things moving. it was a responsibility that i did not really want.
during that car ride, i wondered why i had to have these grandiose dreams and ideals (and maybe, if i'm being honest here, if they were even really my own dreams and ideals). i wondered how i got stuck with this whole "saving the world" bit. and i did feel stuck with it. as if it had moved out of the realm of my own personal choice.
since then, a number of things have happened to sway me in both directions. over the last few months i've taken on quite a few more responsibilities at work. at the same time, i've been doing more and more of them remotely already. recently this desire to study architecture has become one of the most important pulls in my life. i feel like the longer that i take waffling over see, the longer i am holding myself back from that goal.
and then there's the people reasons:
george, a good friend of mine, has decided to move to see this fall. on the plus side, i am no longer moving there alone. it is not a jump completely into the unknown. the transition will be easier. on the minus side, i now feel an added obligation. i've gotten him into this, i have to see it through. he has said that he is planning on making this move regardless of whether or not i go. and even if see does not get off the ground. but i still feel some sort of obligation.
while i was gone for just a week and a half this summer, sam, my little brother, seemed to have grown nearly an inch. i'll miss him growing up if i leave.
but, as erin (who i feel terribly sad about leaving, and who is certainly one of the strongest "people reasons") pointed out, you can't make big decisions based on other people. and it's true.
and so what does all this add up to? part of me wishes that i could just give up on the whole thing without disappointing anyone. but that's only a part of me. i know that i would be disappointed myself if i were to give it up.
so i'm still planning on going to see (as much as i ever plan anything, i'll be leaving in 3 or 4 weeks, and haven't even begun to make any concrete plans). but, i don't know how permanent it will be. if i can't start at ut austin next fall, for instance, i'll have less reason to be there, and more to be somewhere else. and as erin also pointed out, you have to give a venture like this 100%, and you can't do that while you've got yr own hang-ups to work through.
and maybe, after living at see for a while, things will begin to fall into place, and i'll realize that it was the right choice all along, and not worth all this worrying.
to whom it may concern,
as see is coming closer to becoming an actuality, and it is looking like i am going to be the first settler, i feel like i have to somewhat publicly share my thoughts on my involvement. when see was still very much in the planning stages, about 18 months ago, i was starting to think about the next major "theme" in my life: architecture. my father was living in austin at the time, and one of the schools i was looking at was the university of texas. it seemed a fortuitous coincidence that the location for see had been narrowed down to the austin area, and i very enthusiastically stated my interest.
flash forward about a year. i was driving to an fmf chapter meeting, and was feeling overwhelmed with self doubt. one of the potential settlers had pulled out completely, another was planning on maintaining a residence at see, but not living there, a handful more were waiting on word of outside events over which they had little or no control, and i didn't know it yet, but yet another would be announcing later that day that they were postponing their involvement for two or three years. i felt a great responsibility, an obligation, to keep things moving. it was a responsibility that i did not really want.
during that car ride, i wondered why i had to have these grandiose dreams and ideals (and maybe, if i'm being honest here, if they were even really my own dreams and ideals). i wondered how i got stuck with this whole "saving the world" bit. and i did feel stuck with it. as if it had moved out of the realm of my own personal choice.
since then, a number of things have happened to sway me in both directions. over the last few months i've taken on quite a few more responsibilities at work. at the same time, i've been doing more and more of them remotely already. recently this desire to study architecture has become one of the most important pulls in my life. i feel like the longer that i take waffling over see, the longer i am holding myself back from that goal.
and then there's the people reasons:
george, a good friend of mine, has decided to move to see this fall. on the plus side, i am no longer moving there alone. it is not a jump completely into the unknown. the transition will be easier. on the minus side, i now feel an added obligation. i've gotten him into this, i have to see it through. he has said that he is planning on making this move regardless of whether or not i go. and even if see does not get off the ground. but i still feel some sort of obligation.
while i was gone for just a week and a half this summer, sam, my little brother, seemed to have grown nearly an inch. i'll miss him growing up if i leave.
but, as erin (who i feel terribly sad about leaving, and who is certainly one of the strongest "people reasons") pointed out, you can't make big decisions based on other people. and it's true.
and so what does all this add up to? part of me wishes that i could just give up on the whole thing without disappointing anyone. but that's only a part of me. i know that i would be disappointed myself if i were to give it up.
so i'm still planning on going to see (as much as i ever plan anything, i'll be leaving in 3 or 4 weeks, and haven't even begun to make any concrete plans). but, i don't know how permanent it will be. if i can't start at ut austin next fall, for instance, i'll have less reason to be there, and more to be somewhere else. and as erin also pointed out, you have to give a venture like this 100%, and you can't do that while you've got yr own hang-ups to work through.
and maybe, after living at see for a while, things will begin to fall into place, and i'll realize that it was the right choice all along, and not worth all this worrying.