magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

the following was from george last night:

for the last week i have been feeling really really lost... I am more apathetic than usual... I can barely drag myself off the floor (i would say out of bed, but hey, that wouldn't be true). I should leave now before something comes up and i have to stay here... i shouldn't say that cause nothing will keep me here at this point. I gave notice at Regency and they have responded by putting an ad in the paper for my shift. Hmmmm. It is all coming to a head. The biggest thing that has ever happened in my life is going down soon. This is no huge deal for you is it? You've moved a bunch of times before. You gone across the country a bunch of times and moved somewhere where you knew noone and had no income. Sigh. I am about to do the biggest thing and i am not really happy with myself. I should have expected this tho. Next to last minute doubts. [...] I feel awful about everything. It not like I am depressed. I know what that is like and this is something different. More to come...

okay. am moving to Texas to be apart of this great project and go to college or something... A thousand miles away. This whole thing is so fucked. Why do feel so directionless? It is almost like I am in someway doing the wrong thing or forgetting something really important. What? Just fear of the unknown maybe... fear of what I will be doing will be a dramatic failure. No matter how often I have failed i don't think i will ever get used to it. ... ... ... This can't be about failure tho. This is not about family either. I don't think i will miss them all that much. That may sound terrible but i am really sick of them. what. what. what. Nag nag nagging feeling. What is it? Pulling me where? I just fucked up my monitor. Everything is really small. I can't wait to get out of here but i will be leaving something behind. I wish i knew what that was.

expresses the way i was feeling about a month ago. i'm still scared to death of moving. even though i've done it before. and completely on my own even. if george wasn't going to texas, i'm not sure i'd be able to go. and it's not like there's really anything holding me here. yes there's er!n. and yes i'll miss her lots and lots. and it is hardest to think about going when i'm talking to her. but we're already two hours apart. and i've only seen her once or twice a month since the summer. i don't think it's a feeling that this time is more permanent that the previous times. when i went to to california i thought i'd be gone for years. i've already put possible external limits on this move. if i can't get into ut austin to study architecture, i will actively look somewhere else. but, as george said, there's this nagging feeling that i'm forgetting some major part of the equation.

so to george: this is a big deal to me. it always is. i think it always will be. and i'm always going to be doing it. and i think it always works out in the end. if i hadn't come back from california, i wouldn't have met er!n, at least when i did. if i hadn't gone to california in the first place, i don't know if i would have ever started thinking seriously about architecture. it all works out in the end. and that's what really keeps me okay with it all.