Untitled.
1 November 1998
![[ ]](http://mbpix.mushroom.net/19981101y.png)
rabbit, rabbit.
826a greenville, tx
last night i watched a bunch of tv in the interest of turning my brain off.
this morning i dreamt about a party that i was attending in a restaurant. there was initially a table set up for ten people, and bagels were passed around. i was down towards the end of the table, but a ways into things noticed that i had moved toward the other end. i remembered that i had said i'd save a seat for er!n who was going to be late. i looked down the table (which now sat about 30) and she was sitting about half way down. there was a parallel piece of the dream where i noticed allison sitting near the other end too.
i woke up to thunderstorms this morning. which is cool 'cept i have to drive through it.
so i'm gonna be in bastrop today. the town that's gonna be my home for the next phase of my life, so to speak. and i'm thoroughly freaked out about the whole thing. i still don't even have any idea where i'm going to be living. and i still have this fear that i'm just completely doing the wrong thing.
644p austin, tx
we drove through the thunder storms this morning and it turned into a really nice day. we went straight to the property in bastrop, which was very, very wet. and so are my shoes. we went into the town of bastrop and picked up a newspaper to check out rental possibilities, which are few and far between. but much more numerous in austin (as is to be expected). so we're in austin now. and prolly will be going apartment hunting tomorrow. that makes this move seem actually permanent. 'course if i'm living in the city there will be things to do and keep me busy, which brings me to my next point:
i'm still completely scared by this move, but what i think is even more frightening is the reason behind all that. i know that i wouldn't be feeling this way if er!n wasn't as large a part of my life. i would still be worrying about finding a place to live. and i would still be weary of tying myself down here. but i wouldn't feel like i'm giving up something wonderful and jumping into some sort of emptiness. er!n has said that she's afraid of lonely people because she's afraid of becoming a keystone puzzle piece in their life. and i've been down that road before. that happened with allison, and things ended badly. i made this move, in part, to prove to myself that i had gotten beyond that. that i had to follow my own dreams, even if they lead me away from other parts of my life, like er!n. but, here i am, feeling that without her, there's something missing.
i hope that these are thoughts created by spending too much time by myself on the road. i hope that i can find enough in austin (and in myself) to keep me occupied, and happy. i hope i do in fact manage to follow some of my dreams here.
1129p
logged in briefly to check my email, but as it was long distance, didn't have time to respond or update my site. it was nice to read a bunch of messages from er!n though, to see what's going on in her life. she said she misses hearing from me, which i guess i would have known anyway, but it's nice to hear. and actually reading the recounting of a few days of her life without comment must be a little like what it's like for people to read my site.
826a greenville, tx
last night i watched a bunch of tv in the interest of turning my brain off.
this morning i dreamt about a party that i was attending in a restaurant. there was initially a table set up for ten people, and bagels were passed around. i was down towards the end of the table, but a ways into things noticed that i had moved toward the other end. i remembered that i had said i'd save a seat for er!n who was going to be late. i looked down the table (which now sat about 30) and she was sitting about half way down. there was a parallel piece of the dream where i noticed allison sitting near the other end too.
i woke up to thunderstorms this morning. which is cool 'cept i have to drive through it.
so i'm gonna be in bastrop today. the town that's gonna be my home for the next phase of my life, so to speak. and i'm thoroughly freaked out about the whole thing. i still don't even have any idea where i'm going to be living. and i still have this fear that i'm just completely doing the wrong thing.
644p austin, tx
we drove through the thunder storms this morning and it turned into a really nice day. we went straight to the property in bastrop, which was very, very wet. and so are my shoes. we went into the town of bastrop and picked up a newspaper to check out rental possibilities, which are few and far between. but much more numerous in austin (as is to be expected). so we're in austin now. and prolly will be going apartment hunting tomorrow. that makes this move seem actually permanent. 'course if i'm living in the city there will be things to do and keep me busy, which brings me to my next point:
i'm still completely scared by this move, but what i think is even more frightening is the reason behind all that. i know that i wouldn't be feeling this way if er!n wasn't as large a part of my life. i would still be worrying about finding a place to live. and i would still be weary of tying myself down here. but i wouldn't feel like i'm giving up something wonderful and jumping into some sort of emptiness. er!n has said that she's afraid of lonely people because she's afraid of becoming a keystone puzzle piece in their life. and i've been down that road before. that happened with allison, and things ended badly. i made this move, in part, to prove to myself that i had gotten beyond that. that i had to follow my own dreams, even if they lead me away from other parts of my life, like er!n. but, here i am, feeling that without her, there's something missing.
i hope that these are thoughts created by spending too much time by myself on the road. i hope that i can find enough in austin (and in myself) to keep me occupied, and happy. i hope i do in fact manage to follow some of my dreams here.
1129p
logged in briefly to check my email, but as it was long distance, didn't have time to respond or update my site. it was nice to read a bunch of messages from er!n though, to see what's going on in her life. she said she misses hearing from me, which i guess i would have known anyway, but it's nice to hear. and actually reading the recounting of a few days of her life without comment must be a little like what it's like for people to read my site.