magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

okay.

er!n, i love you. i love you so much, and i feel like i've hurt you.

i wrote to alex last night and told him that i was worried that i hadn't heard from er!n since last tuesday. yes, she was on thanksgiving break for much of that, but should be back at school by now. i was afraid that she had read what i had written the other day, and actually was jealous.

q came over tonight because i had talked about tragedy and sadness in email today, and it had made her sad. it was the first time i saw her since i got sick. she asked me what was sad about us. i mentioned one thing, but the one that came foremost to my mind was that it was sad that i hadn't heard from er!n. i logged on about 1130 'cause i hadn't written anything for the day (now yesterday), and there was a message from er!n.

earlier today i had a vision that our first contact after the end of last week was in person and not email. you said that things were okay, 'cause you deal well with things, but i could see that in yr eyes they weren't. i couldn't decide whether you'd let me put my arms around you or not. i would want to.

er!n said "itmanagedtomakemequitesad". and there were tears in my eyes at this point. she said "thingschange andit'sokayreally". things change. but...

q has mentioned breaking up with her boyfriend (yes, she has a boyfriend), but said "and even if you want to stay just friends forever, I would rather not be going out with someone else right now." we did make some sort of connection. but...

i am a lonely person. er!n pointed this out in her email. i've spent years of my life lonely. in some ways i had even gotten used to it. now, it seems like all at once, i have more people in my life than i really now how to deal with. it's always been about love, and now it almost feels as if there's more love than i can handle.

these are not the kind of problems that i'm s'posed to have.

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okay, i've re-read this, and it doesn't come close to expressing anything of what i want to say.

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while writing this, i got the following email from daniel:

....and then in the midst of all that daniel paged me and wanted me to answer some question. that's still going in the other window...

You should be lucky to be employed ... nevermind having a cake job ..... sublty bitching about 15 minutes of work .... is stupid (find your own web work m*%therF^cker) I have wasted 3 years of my life chasing work for you non-appreciative money spenders...

Don't force me to rival your site and have a daily journal just to point out "yourside" as bunk ...

some of us work ... even when it is not convenient .... even when we are sick ... because we have made a committment to others....

you have been slackin' BIG time .. & I am talking about before you were "sick" ...

fy,

dfm

ps turn on your IM when you are online ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT... you have alot of catching up ... if I have 15 minutes of questions you should be more than pleased I don't have questions for you 9 to 5 ... get it....

reply!

and then the following series of just subject lines:

reply ... before you finish tonight journal entry...

well, seeing as how i'm not likely to read the email until after, that's unlikely. but i was planning on responding.

I do not want to fight, so stop fuckin with me... Vent at me .. not indirectly via public broadcasts... yr a lame-O

i wasn't venting. i was making a statement. i had tears in my eyes. i wanted to write about it. daniel interrupted me. fact. no vent.

I am not your emeny .. pick a fight withsome one else ... I am the one that kicks your ass when you NEED to earn money... cause you don't seem to self-kick ...this is the thanks ... fy... work is not comfortable... I'm the messenger ... FY

i'm assuming all the fys are fuck yous. i didn't notice that before.

bummer... these are not the kind of problems that i'm s'posed to have....... Hello ??? Reality check??? We are counting on you.... what's your problem??

okay. i got this one and started crying. i've hurt this person that i love and work is s'posed to be more important to me right now? i don't fucking think so. and while i was sitting in a dark corner, trying to pull myself together a bit:

...what a slap in the face... out

what? that i didn't respond? that work is not more important to me than love? whatever.

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so i'm feeling better today, physically (emotionally as well, i guess, sleep does wonders), but it's been an extensive work day. i've got a lot of catching up to do and all. i don't know, i guess it's good to keep my mind busy.