magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

130a. just fired off a very long email to er!n. maybe i'll excerpt some of it tomorrow when i can think a little more straight.

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but first this. i got the following from q last night:

I've got an allison (so to speak) in my past as well. You see, he was my first best friend, my second love, my first LOVE... We parted on bad terms... I had never gotten over him, because I just don't get over people. And we had not spoken for three years, but then I called home that night at your house and Jason said he had called. I thought he meant maybe someone else by the same name, but no... it was him. So I called him back the next evening and we talked and apparently he is interested in renewing relations with me. I don't know quite to what extent he is thinking right now. But obviously this brings up a lot of strong emotions that I'm not even sure I can deal with. I am still somewhat mad at him for all the pain I went through on his account, and the casualness with which he seemed to return. But I am still in love with him. But he may not be what I need in a mate anymore. I don't know.

i have wondered from time to time how i would respond if allison were to suddenly come back into my life. that would be the kind of event that would just completely throw everything else off kilter. it's also not something i'd expect to happen. that sort of thing is just too odd, you know? i mean allison's last six words to me were: "I'm sure we will cross again." and i still think that it's very much all about cycles and patterns. but.

to switch gears entirely, i did that orientation thing this morning. and then convinced the advising office to see me, even though my essay test score isn't back yet and there are some holes in my transcripts. (which are under a different name, by the way, and although i pointed this out and was prepared to show proof that i was in fact both of these people, i didn't have to.) and so basically i think i've got my schedule worked out. i'm s'posed to wait for the results of the essay test before i register, but.

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"as you traced into my world, traced through me like we just met, like there would be great rumblings if ever we should come apart..."

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okay. no excerpts from that letter to er!n. i would like to reiterate for er!n though, and also for anyone else who's listening, don't ever worry about offending me by asking me about my thoughts or feelings or motivations. or anything else. thoughtful questions are always welcomed. and i'll do my best to answer them honestly.