Untitled.
7 February 1999
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i had a series of dreams last night in which things like the linear flow of time and the distinction between reality and fiction were not hard and fast rules. given those facts, it's hard to construct a sensible narrative from the events, but i do recall overarching motifs. there was a movie that figured prominently, a suspense/horror type film in the vein of the omen. at times i was watching it, in various situations and with various people, and at times i was a character in the ongoing storyline. allison had been one of the primary actors in the movie as a child, and i remember watching the movie with someone and telling them that i had dated her in high school. allison also appeared in a few scenes of the dream in a very surrealisitc version of nmh that was laced with bits of the movie plot and of my present. there was a scene at a dam and one at a boathouse and later on the lake, in which the movie played off of the current progression of events, and vice-versa.
i've been making some observations over the past few weeks. first, on a rather uninteresting level, i've really noticed the difference between the sorts of messes that george and i make. neither of us has any sort of organizational skills. but he tends to leave things strewn about, whereas i pile things. in my case, i don't know if it's genetic or learned, but it's definitely something i inherited. just piles of books, papers, clothes, cds, etc. eventually entropy does set in as piles get knocked over and mingle and are re-stacked in different orientations. digging through them, looking for something in particular can be interesting in the way that archeology is, i s'pose. except that it's exploring chunks of my own mind, in a way.
the other observation i've been making is about couples. when i see couples in public (at restaurants, in the supermarket, whatever) i get this negative mental feedback. something saying that's not something i want. it's an odd reaction, given that so much of my life has been based around the whole "true love" dream. to extend the observation tho, i often have the completely opposite response to couples on tv. in analyzing this, it seems that the fantasy world aspect of tv has some bearing. magic is alive and well in fiction. have i lost something that allowed me to see magic in real life? have my expectations shot up without my noticing? why the schism?
i have, over the years, caught myself in the frame of mind that everything was a game, a play, a faerie tale. not in a theoretical or intellectual sense, but that i was actually living those beliefs. it happens when my mind is fully engaged in creating or writing code or sometimes reading or even watching tv (this last one is rare, as tv more often has the propensity to set the mind on autopilot). or it happens when i stumble across wholistic connections between disparate things: the book i'm reading plays off of a news article which reminds me of a song lyric on an album i've been listening to which seems to be about the same thing as a discussion i had in class which makes a perfect metaphor for the book i'm reading.
i wish i could live in that frame of mind. i think that's what enlightenment is all about. not knowing any great truths, but just living in such a way that things feel connected. i tend to see myself living such a life at some point in the future. that way of looking at things goes against the whole premise tho. so do i need to live in the now before i will be truly content in a relationship? maybe. i certainly need to train my mind to manifest magic instead of simply hoping to stumble across it.
i've been making some observations over the past few weeks. first, on a rather uninteresting level, i've really noticed the difference between the sorts of messes that george and i make. neither of us has any sort of organizational skills. but he tends to leave things strewn about, whereas i pile things. in my case, i don't know if it's genetic or learned, but it's definitely something i inherited. just piles of books, papers, clothes, cds, etc. eventually entropy does set in as piles get knocked over and mingle and are re-stacked in different orientations. digging through them, looking for something in particular can be interesting in the way that archeology is, i s'pose. except that it's exploring chunks of my own mind, in a way.
the other observation i've been making is about couples. when i see couples in public (at restaurants, in the supermarket, whatever) i get this negative mental feedback. something saying that's not something i want. it's an odd reaction, given that so much of my life has been based around the whole "true love" dream. to extend the observation tho, i often have the completely opposite response to couples on tv. in analyzing this, it seems that the fantasy world aspect of tv has some bearing. magic is alive and well in fiction. have i lost something that allowed me to see magic in real life? have my expectations shot up without my noticing? why the schism?
i have, over the years, caught myself in the frame of mind that everything was a game, a play, a faerie tale. not in a theoretical or intellectual sense, but that i was actually living those beliefs. it happens when my mind is fully engaged in creating or writing code or sometimes reading or even watching tv (this last one is rare, as tv more often has the propensity to set the mind on autopilot). or it happens when i stumble across wholistic connections between disparate things: the book i'm reading plays off of a news article which reminds me of a song lyric on an album i've been listening to which seems to be about the same thing as a discussion i had in class which makes a perfect metaphor for the book i'm reading.
i wish i could live in that frame of mind. i think that's what enlightenment is all about. not knowing any great truths, but just living in such a way that things feel connected. i tend to see myself living such a life at some point in the future. that way of looking at things goes against the whole premise tho. so do i need to live in the now before i will be truly content in a relationship? maybe. i certainly need to train my mind to manifest magic instead of simply hoping to stumble across it.