Untitled.
12 May 1999
![[ ]](http://mbpix.mushroom.net/19990512y.png)
we left the club a little after one am. i could have stayed out longer, as i've been getting to sleep around 230 or later, but q was getting tired, and had an exam today. so i gave her a ride home, and ended up spending the night at her place.
now, i s'pose i should try to explain my relationship with q. more for myself i think than for anyone else. although a lot of it is certainly apropos to er!n and i figuring out exactly what there is/will be/may be between us.
as groundwork, it's worth pointing out that q is polyamourous. from the latin roots, polyamoury literally means multiple loves/lovers. love is usually an important factor. and there is love, of a sort, between us. for her, it's natural to express that sexually. for me, this is where things get a bit complicated.
i've always had a fairly conventional view of sex. at least insofar as the concept of being in love, in a monogamous relationship, and all that. i've certainly never denied that other arrangements could, and do, work for other people. sometimes i feel as if my thoughts on the matter are simply a matter of just accepting convention. i have questioned them, as i always try to question aspects of my world view to see if they really hold up. i'm probably led to question them most of all now, when i'm directly confronted with with an alternative within my own scope of experience.
but there's more to it than simply that. it's not even really about sex for me. the whole emotional aspect is much more important, and even physically, just being held, being touched in an affectionate way. of course at that point various chemicals and hormones kick in to tell you you should be spreading yr genes, and that muddies the whole thing even further.
so when i spend time with q, she works at trying to seduce me, in a playful, flirtatious way. and i'd be lying to say i don't like it. it's wonderful to feel wanted, to have someone pay that sort of attention to you. but i'm not sure that i could do the polyamoury thing. at least not successfully. i almost feel like this is due to some shortcoming of my own. out of some sort of selfishness, wanting to be the center of someone else's world, and knowing that i'm not.
but, i'm still an inherently lonely person, and being close, if only fleetingly, is better than not at all. and so i spent the night at q's, and i'd like to spend more time with her before i leave texas. despite the fact that i know that it leads down a path that i can't really take.
this morning i dreamt that i was in an art class. i had only done paintings, although most people in the class had done at least one work using green felt and silver decorations in the shape of flowers and dragons. and we were on something like a railroad platform, except that instead of trains there were various types of bicycle and unicycle sorts of contraptions.
i gave q a ride into school and then came home. checked my email, took a shower, ate a bagel watched the episode of buffy that i taped last night. and i felt empty. and i knew that was emotionally unhealthy, but there i was. it was these sorts of feelings of emptiness that caused my nearly chronic depression in high school. it was these sorts of feelings of emptiness that that i felt even in the deepest relationship of my life, that pushed her away. this wasn't nearly as pervasive. but i guess i need to acknowledge that i haven't put all that behind me.
then, in wondering what i should write about last night, my thoughts turned mostly to er!n. we haven't talked much recently, and the few emails that we have exchanged have felt about as distant as we've ever been. and yet, again i'd be lying if i were to say that i don't harbour expectations of what there still could be between us. the stance we've adopted is wait and see, but you can't subjugate yr feelings with a rational point of view.
completely unrelated to all of this, just to show you that i'm still living something of a regular day-to-day life, george thinks that my guitar playing has improved significantly even since i finished classes a week ago. i don't know about that, but it's nice to hear.
now, i s'pose i should try to explain my relationship with q. more for myself i think than for anyone else. although a lot of it is certainly apropos to er!n and i figuring out exactly what there is/will be/may be between us.
as groundwork, it's worth pointing out that q is polyamourous. from the latin roots, polyamoury literally means multiple loves/lovers. love is usually an important factor. and there is love, of a sort, between us. for her, it's natural to express that sexually. for me, this is where things get a bit complicated.
i've always had a fairly conventional view of sex. at least insofar as the concept of being in love, in a monogamous relationship, and all that. i've certainly never denied that other arrangements could, and do, work for other people. sometimes i feel as if my thoughts on the matter are simply a matter of just accepting convention. i have questioned them, as i always try to question aspects of my world view to see if they really hold up. i'm probably led to question them most of all now, when i'm directly confronted with with an alternative within my own scope of experience.
but there's more to it than simply that. it's not even really about sex for me. the whole emotional aspect is much more important, and even physically, just being held, being touched in an affectionate way. of course at that point various chemicals and hormones kick in to tell you you should be spreading yr genes, and that muddies the whole thing even further.
so when i spend time with q, she works at trying to seduce me, in a playful, flirtatious way. and i'd be lying to say i don't like it. it's wonderful to feel wanted, to have someone pay that sort of attention to you. but i'm not sure that i could do the polyamoury thing. at least not successfully. i almost feel like this is due to some shortcoming of my own. out of some sort of selfishness, wanting to be the center of someone else's world, and knowing that i'm not.
but, i'm still an inherently lonely person, and being close, if only fleetingly, is better than not at all. and so i spent the night at q's, and i'd like to spend more time with her before i leave texas. despite the fact that i know that it leads down a path that i can't really take.
this morning i dreamt that i was in an art class. i had only done paintings, although most people in the class had done at least one work using green felt and silver decorations in the shape of flowers and dragons. and we were on something like a railroad platform, except that instead of trains there were various types of bicycle and unicycle sorts of contraptions.
i gave q a ride into school and then came home. checked my email, took a shower, ate a bagel watched the episode of buffy that i taped last night. and i felt empty. and i knew that was emotionally unhealthy, but there i was. it was these sorts of feelings of emptiness that caused my nearly chronic depression in high school. it was these sorts of feelings of emptiness that that i felt even in the deepest relationship of my life, that pushed her away. this wasn't nearly as pervasive. but i guess i need to acknowledge that i haven't put all that behind me.
then, in wondering what i should write about last night, my thoughts turned mostly to er!n. we haven't talked much recently, and the few emails that we have exchanged have felt about as distant as we've ever been. and yet, again i'd be lying if i were to say that i don't harbour expectations of what there still could be between us. the stance we've adopted is wait and see, but you can't subjugate yr feelings with a rational point of view.
completely unrelated to all of this, just to show you that i'm still living something of a regular day-to-day life, george thinks that my guitar playing has improved significantly even since i finished classes a week ago. i don't know about that, but it's nice to hear.