Untitled.
29 October 1999
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i sat at dinner for over an hour hoping something would come up that would give me an excuse not to go back down to the studio. the only real suggestion was from maureen, to go to a show downtown with six or seven noise rock bands. but, i'm basically tapped out in the money department again.
so i came back home, responded to some email that had been piling up, and decided to dye my hair. glad it occurred to me, as i've been lamenting the lack of time to do it for a while. so it's pink again, a little purpley on the right side. it looks like a flamingo exploded in my shower though; i don't think i've ever made quite as much of a mess in all the years of dying my hair.
it also occurred to me tonight, that while one of my three or four mutually on-going crushes has moved to the forefront, at the same time another part of me is finding myself less and less interested in that particular individual. in a way, i think she's turning into a metaphor, merely the current representation of my need for an unattainable hang-up that gets projected on different people at different times.
for years it was allison (with smaller pockets of redirection here and there). in texas the focus shifted to er!n, since she was 2k miles away and we weren't communicating well. on my trip back from texas it shifted to sonali for a while. it's been kinda in flux for the last little bit, but i feel the need for pinpointing that masochistic, romantic desire for unfulfilled longing somewhere in particular. in a subconscious way, of course.
when i first became aware of this pattern it scared me. it hinted that maybe i hadn't grown quite as much emotionally as i thought i had. and then, with the intensity of risd i kinda forgot about it all. but on the weekends, when my days aren't orchestrated quite as tightly, these things bubble up.
and so while on one hand i'm finding myself less interested in jen, in noticing more and more ways in which she falls short of my archetypical ideal for instance, on the other hand i'm finding myself more caught up, in a tilting at windmills sort of way.
she said at dinner, referring to luke's expressed attraction to a girl in the met, that you should write the things you want down, in sorta an affirmation or conjuration sort of way (although those were not words she specifically used). but i guess if what you write down doesn't commit one way or the other, it doesn't really count.
so i came back home, responded to some email that had been piling up, and decided to dye my hair. glad it occurred to me, as i've been lamenting the lack of time to do it for a while. so it's pink again, a little purpley on the right side. it looks like a flamingo exploded in my shower though; i don't think i've ever made quite as much of a mess in all the years of dying my hair.
it also occurred to me tonight, that while one of my three or four mutually on-going crushes has moved to the forefront, at the same time another part of me is finding myself less and less interested in that particular individual. in a way, i think she's turning into a metaphor, merely the current representation of my need for an unattainable hang-up that gets projected on different people at different times.
for years it was allison (with smaller pockets of redirection here and there). in texas the focus shifted to er!n, since she was 2k miles away and we weren't communicating well. on my trip back from texas it shifted to sonali for a while. it's been kinda in flux for the last little bit, but i feel the need for pinpointing that masochistic, romantic desire for unfulfilled longing somewhere in particular. in a subconscious way, of course.
when i first became aware of this pattern it scared me. it hinted that maybe i hadn't grown quite as much emotionally as i thought i had. and then, with the intensity of risd i kinda forgot about it all. but on the weekends, when my days aren't orchestrated quite as tightly, these things bubble up.
and so while on one hand i'm finding myself less interested in jen, in noticing more and more ways in which she falls short of my archetypical ideal for instance, on the other hand i'm finding myself more caught up, in a tilting at windmills sort of way.
she said at dinner, referring to luke's expressed attraction to a girl in the met, that you should write the things you want down, in sorta an affirmation or conjuration sort of way (although those were not words she specifically used). but i guess if what you write down doesn't commit one way or the other, it doesn't really count.