Untitled.
22 December 1999
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happy winter. happy bright full moon.
guess what? architecture dreams. i dreamt that i was working on this incredibly complex model, but i was going back and forth between it being a haphazardly thrown together thing and it being an intricate, final degree project sort of thing. when i woke up i was half surprised not to find it sitting beside my bed.
and another dream about designing something that had to withstand great earthquakes (because of the coming apocalypse). and something with coloured plastic. some snowboarding bit. double exposure photography. and then a weird sequence of taking pictures of what some psychopathic murderer had been thinking.
did some holiday sort of shopping with mom and sam this afternoon. went for japanese food after.
er!n showed up on my doorstep late this evening. i kinda provoked it with yesterday's comments about not being able to talk to her in email or on the phone. i'm kinda glad, although in retrospect it seems awful co-dependent.
and she tried to get me to talk, and so we talked about risd. and then went out in search of anything to do in the northwest corner of connecticut at eleven pm. stopped by mohawk and saw some snow-making. don't know what george is driving, so i didn't get to leave a note on his car. took some pictures on the cornwall bridge town green. drove around on back roads, through sharon and lakeville and millerton and cornwall.
she kept saying "and..." and i have a hard time just talking. it needs to be in poetry. eventually i said: "five possible conversations about the not-so-ideal aspects of my life, starting with and." i won't repeat them exactly. but they were about feeling very far away from my friends. about jen. about nikki. about still feeling like a slacker. and then i couldn't get the fifth out.
this was about the time we got back to my house. i showed her some of the stuff i'd done in studio last semester. then we got back to my possible conversations. and they all kinda weaved together a lot. although i stayed clear of the slacker one, 'cause that's very school related, and i was trying not to focus on school. but all the others are about friends and friendship and relationships (about jen i said "on one level that's sorta what i've done, but since i haven't really done anything..." er!n thought that summed me up pretty well) and it lead to the fifth one which i couldn't word correctly, but with a lot of effort eventually got out and that was that sometimes i'm sad that things didn't work out between er!n and myself.
and she said "why? i know why for me, but why for you?" and i talked about the feeling that i had whenever we parted, even before we were ever involved. and i guess i learned a lot about what she was feeling. that she thought that she really could have just been anyone who happened to be in my life at that point and took the time to get through the walls that i put up. which is not true, by the way; there have been people in my life who just happened to be there at the time, and maybe she could've simply been that, but she was more.
and she feels that i'm terribly impenetrable (but that my friends are into art and are, for the most part, equipped with power tools and hammers and things, so that's not completely a bad thing). and that i pushed her away and built huge walls. and that does make me sad, 'cause as much as i like being mysterious and maybe something of a challenge, i don't want to push the people i love away. and it's really wonderful that er!n is tenacious enough that i'll never be able to get rid of her no matter how hard i push (i thought about asking her if that was a promise). but again we're veering towards possibly unhealthy emotional relationships. and in one sense we didn't work out because of these very sorts of things.
and it's not a bad thing. just a little sad. and eventually i asked her about her why. and even when she knew what i was getting at it was hard to form the question. and there's so many half formed questions that i always want to ask that i have such a hard time with. and her answer wasn't all that much clearer than some of mine. "because you're you." or something. and yeah, i understand, 'cause on one hand i do have a pretty big self-image, but it's nice to hear 'cause on the other i also have this inferiority complex. but it also seemed like there was a lot more behind what she was saying that i don't know the right questions for.
but however introspective this all sounds, it was still wonderful to see her. to date the amount of time that i've spent with her is still painfully short. and more is always good. (this goes for any other friends who are thinking about showing up on my doorstep as well.)
guess what? architecture dreams. i dreamt that i was working on this incredibly complex model, but i was going back and forth between it being a haphazardly thrown together thing and it being an intricate, final degree project sort of thing. when i woke up i was half surprised not to find it sitting beside my bed.
and another dream about designing something that had to withstand great earthquakes (because of the coming apocalypse). and something with coloured plastic. some snowboarding bit. double exposure photography. and then a weird sequence of taking pictures of what some psychopathic murderer had been thinking.
did some holiday sort of shopping with mom and sam this afternoon. went for japanese food after.
er!n showed up on my doorstep late this evening. i kinda provoked it with yesterday's comments about not being able to talk to her in email or on the phone. i'm kinda glad, although in retrospect it seems awful co-dependent.
and she tried to get me to talk, and so we talked about risd. and then went out in search of anything to do in the northwest corner of connecticut at eleven pm. stopped by mohawk and saw some snow-making. don't know what george is driving, so i didn't get to leave a note on his car. took some pictures on the cornwall bridge town green. drove around on back roads, through sharon and lakeville and millerton and cornwall.
she kept saying "and..." and i have a hard time just talking. it needs to be in poetry. eventually i said: "five possible conversations about the not-so-ideal aspects of my life, starting with and." i won't repeat them exactly. but they were about feeling very far away from my friends. about jen. about nikki. about still feeling like a slacker. and then i couldn't get the fifth out.
this was about the time we got back to my house. i showed her some of the stuff i'd done in studio last semester. then we got back to my possible conversations. and they all kinda weaved together a lot. although i stayed clear of the slacker one, 'cause that's very school related, and i was trying not to focus on school. but all the others are about friends and friendship and relationships (about jen i said "on one level that's sorta what i've done, but since i haven't really done anything..." er!n thought that summed me up pretty well) and it lead to the fifth one which i couldn't word correctly, but with a lot of effort eventually got out and that was that sometimes i'm sad that things didn't work out between er!n and myself.
and she said "why? i know why for me, but why for you?" and i talked about the feeling that i had whenever we parted, even before we were ever involved. and i guess i learned a lot about what she was feeling. that she thought that she really could have just been anyone who happened to be in my life at that point and took the time to get through the walls that i put up. which is not true, by the way; there have been people in my life who just happened to be there at the time, and maybe she could've simply been that, but she was more.
and she feels that i'm terribly impenetrable (but that my friends are into art and are, for the most part, equipped with power tools and hammers and things, so that's not completely a bad thing). and that i pushed her away and built huge walls. and that does make me sad, 'cause as much as i like being mysterious and maybe something of a challenge, i don't want to push the people i love away. and it's really wonderful that er!n is tenacious enough that i'll never be able to get rid of her no matter how hard i push (i thought about asking her if that was a promise). but again we're veering towards possibly unhealthy emotional relationships. and in one sense we didn't work out because of these very sorts of things.
and it's not a bad thing. just a little sad. and eventually i asked her about her why. and even when she knew what i was getting at it was hard to form the question. and there's so many half formed questions that i always want to ask that i have such a hard time with. and her answer wasn't all that much clearer than some of mine. "because you're you." or something. and yeah, i understand, 'cause on one hand i do have a pretty big self-image, but it's nice to hear 'cause on the other i also have this inferiority complex. but it also seemed like there was a lot more behind what she was saying that i don't know the right questions for.
but however introspective this all sounds, it was still wonderful to see her. to date the amount of time that i've spent with her is still painfully short. and more is always good. (this goes for any other friends who are thinking about showing up on my doorstep as well.)