magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

so i spent part of studio today sitting under my desk and crying.

nothing bad happened. it was just one of those overwhelmed by my own inadequacy to deal sorts of things.

for the last couple of studio classes it's been pretty obvious that i've been having a hard time producing any amount of directed, coherent work. but dan is not about pushing, and probably just figured that whatever was blocking me would pass and i'd get back on the ball. but this morning, when we had small pin ups in groups of three, i didn't really have any new work to show.

and so afterwards i went back to my desk and did a little work, and then just sort of broke down. i don't think i've cried in a while. but of course it's not like it was some sort of cathartic moment and now everything will be okay and i'll be motivated and creative and everything.

i really think there's something wrong in my head. yes, architecture's a hard thing. yes, some people can't hack it. but i'm not some people. it shouldn't be this hard. i've got talent, i've got ideas, i know these things. but i just feel so incapable sometimes.

dan and i talked later. the talk i eventually have with most of my teachers. the i don't know why this is so hard for me talk. the it's always been this way talk. since grade school it's been this way. i've never lived up to my potential. i even procrastinate doing things i enjoy.

and like every other teacher i've had this talk with, he said "i don't know how to help you. you just have to do it." and yeah, i just have to do it. and usually i do muddle through it. and say that it will be different next time. next time i'll work harder. next time i won't procrastinate. next time i'll live up to my potential and do the brilliant work that i know i should be capable of doing.

and next time i don't. i really think there's something wrong in my head.

garth and i were talking about medication the other day. garth says he's kinda manic depressive but wouldn't want to take anything for it. he said he took saint john's wort for a while, and couldn't deal with always being on an even level. something like prozac would probably even be worse. and i've always felt the same way too. but lately i've begun to wonder. what if my chronic procrastination, my lack of motivation is the result of irregular brain chemistry? what if it could be "fixed"? maybe i'd finally live up to my potential. maybe i'd be unstoppable. maybe i'd lose a part of me that makes me who i am.

i don't know.