magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

sitting in the living room after eating sushi. chris.k is playing tetris. i'm having flashbacks of austin. driving to class in the evening (or q's house, by the same route). it seems like such a totally different life ago. and i sort of feel like i miss it. although most of the time i wasn't really any happier there.

more flashes. my bedroom, sunlight streaming in the window. driving around other parts of town. walking to the supermarket. all kinds of other things.

part of it is listening to tales of brave ida. part of it is just having time to remember things.

christian invited a friend of his to sushi tonight. she came with her roommate. they go to brown and live in one of their co-ops. they were planning on renting a movie to watch with their house tonight and invited us along. it probably would have been a good opportunity to meet new people, maybe even a nice vegan girl, but i didn't go.

i realized that i'm kind of afraid of meeting new people. i'm especially afraid of meeting anyone who i might possibly have any sort of romantic interest in. i would like to be in a relationship, and i can't really see myself seriously involved with anyone among my current circle of acquaintances, but i'm afraid of meeting anyone else.

when we were out shopping i briefly caught the eye of that cashier at bread and circus. i still have the occasional stray thought about molly. about jen.c. er!n, q, etc. but it's just that, stray thoughts.

i flash back to austin again. before i lived there, when i was just visiting on my way out to california. i was out at a cafe to see a friend of my father perform at an open mic. i was waiting in line for a cup of tea or maybe decaf coffee and a girl started a conversation with me. something cliche like: have i seen you around town? probably not, i'm just in town visiting, i said. i can't remember what she looked like. i was nervous. i was leaving for california in a week.

i told cybèle last night that a girl would have to be the one to ask me out. i told this to jen.c once too. and i guess that part of me half expects some girl in a coffee shop to do so. the moment existing in a little bubble of magic. the light would be just so. and we would be the only two people in the world.

it's that faerie tale stuff all over again. i think that's what i'm seeing in these flashes of austin. sometimes the past is like a movie. my memories of austin are coloured in shades of faerie tale.