magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

dreamt that i was at a renaissance faire. a number of people i knew where there in period garb, but one encounter stands out. i ran into sarah.m and i tried to explain my relationship with stef to her but i was jolted awake by something before i could get the correct words to come out.

the reason that this is significant is because of a conversation that she and i had in the early spring. i don't remember the details leading up to it, but i do remember that somehow stef came up and sarah.m said "well, who hasn't slept with her?"

"i haven't." raising my hand.

"i haven't either. that's because we have taste."

and well. now. i've always been a little put off by sarah.m's judgmental nature, but i do care about what she thinks. i respect her opinion. and it matters to me what she thinks about me. and on top of all this there were no goodbyes at the end of the year and so i have no idea if she had heard about me and stef (maybe even just about the final crit from sarah.w or someone) and avoided me because of that, or if we just missed crossing paths for the last couple of days that she was around.

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if you've read my site at all before today you'll notice the design changes. the layout is pretty much the same. the colour bars have been taken off of the main and peripheral pages and added to the daily entries. but the big change is the font. i know i've used courier since the inception of magicbeans, and i'm pretty sure i was using it in the earlier form of my journal at xochipilli.com. if it's too small or anything, let me know.

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stopped by susie's after italian for the tail end of the first show of her summer tour. i like her songs, but i wish the vocal were more intelligible. i bought her cd and had the same reaction to it.

but, seeing someone who's actually perusing their rockstar dreams was encouraging. after listening to her cd i felt like i had to do something musical. i actually started kind of playing along during the last few songs. then translated my own insecurities, or one of my insecurities at least, into a song of my own. i had had the stray thought, somewhere between taking my guitar out and actually playing it, i think, about how i'm worried that stef is just going to change her mind one day. which translated into the only lyrics of my song "i'm afraid / that you'll stop / thinking / of me."

i played it a few times, then recorded it to my computer with the mic in my video camera. made an mp3 out of it but i'm not sure i want to share it with the world yet. i have to live with it for a while first. maybe add to it.

checked my email again just after midnight. one message. figured it was a word a day but it was from stef. and in the first paragraph (which had been written almost four hours earlier, while i was still in class, long before i had even thought the thought that led to the song, she had written: "...this morning and all through out the day I was filled with a nice cuddly feeling and thoughts of you."