magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

dreams: little gifts wrapped in orange paper with fantastical musical scores printed on it. and a kiss. and she is allison, and i think about stef, but then she is stef too.

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i spent the last hour reading the second of john cage's harvard "lectures" out loud in an attempt to clear my mind. i can't focus my eyes now and my throat is a bit sore, but my mind's not really any clearer.

when i got home from class chris.k told me that stef had called. before calling her back i wanted to respond to an email from her that i had been mulling over all day. and then christian needed to use the phone, so i came home to hear a teary message on my voicemail, and called her back right away.

she had been fighting with her mom again, and this time was just too much and she had called her friend susan and asked to be picked up. she's planning on staying at susan's a couple of days, and then?

and i felt helpless. it didn't seem like enough to say "of course i'm worrying," and "i'll be thinking about you." i wanted to put my arms around her and say "shhh. it will be all right."