magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

tried to find a risd computer with a telnet client this afternoon in order to catch up with my website updates, but the only lab that seems to have them as part of the installed software was full of pre-college kids. spent an hour or so trying to hack passed the security in another lab in order to install one myself, but no such luck.

ran into cybèle on the way home. we walked together and talked for a bit.

then 438. shopping with the boys.

and off to class. dinner on a bench outside with a friendly squirrel. but i was eating tofu, and i don't think squirrels are a big fan of the soybean.

italian made my head swim. imperfect and imperative and reflexive tenses. all kinds of stuff that we take for granted in english and that chinese doesn't have at all. big huge rainstorm while i was in class.

and then stef's. were they were splitting up the marijuana that they had bought as a group and enlisted me as an impartial observer to package and distribute the seven piles. which is all a bit silly, but i was reading poetry while they were sorting and measuring so it was okay.

but then walking home stef lit up a cigarette, saying "i don't really have any choice."

"of course you do. you always have a choice." and then i didn't say the rest of what was in my head. about weakness, and about how this is just a symptom of all the things that we don't have in common, and about how i feel like there's this social part of her life that i'll never really fit in with, and worries that she'll get tired of me or that i'll get tired of her. and i was quiet and wanted her walking next to me, almost touching, but didn't want to hold her hand.