magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

lying in bed this morning, i was stressing and worrying about things. stef tried to tell me not to worry, to reason with me, but when i'm so caught up in my own thoughts i've generally gone beyond reasoning or of just letting go of things for a while.

and then she says, "when i'm lying here with you, most of the time i'm just thinking about how much i love you. and nothing else matters." and i pulled her closer, and cried a little. and stopped worrying. it's the first time she's said it. i've thought it a lot over the last few days. but have been afraid of saying it out loud. for fear of jinxing it, or because i know the sort of commitment it implies scares her (even though it is what she was after from the very beginning).

i was waiting for her. although i still didn't say it out loud. there's a picture in my head of flowers blooming around us. and maybe i'm still afraid that reality will never quite measure up to the bits of faerie tale that i still carry around inside. but sometimes it seems so close, so as almost to be able to taste and smell and touch it.

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neither of us made it into work. in my case it worked out, i called in later and lauren told me that she had had to have her car towed and no one was there to open the office and so if i had been there i wouldn't have been able to work anyway. and stef hasn't been showing up at her risd job too reliably as it is.

we went back to sleep, curled together.

and then eventually we got up. i showered. stef had some breakfast. and then it was lunch time and we went out for thai food. and then a coffee, and i told stef about the dream i had earlier:

i had gotten up to go to work, and there were a bunch of people sitting in a circle on the floor of stef's living room, passing a joint. i knelt down behind stef and put my hands on her shoulders, but rather than kiss me goodbye, she chose to take a hit off the joint. and i got really upset. we started arguing, and i stormed to the door. she followed me into the hall, still with the joint, holding it perilously close to my shirt.

there was a flash to the bottom of the stairs, and a furniture moving truck. earlier there had been a big blue couch delivered, and a smaller matching chair. no one had been sure how they got there, and were talking about selling them.

and then i was back on the stairs. talking on the phone with stef. we were still arguing. "it's silly to be talking on the phone when we're just on opposite sides of the door," she said. and came out.

we were at the bottom of the stairs now, still a little standoff-ish, but no longer yelling. the first floor of stef's building was a large church. off in the far corner was who i thought was a blue devil, preaching, and a nun. but my focus came closer to the preacher, and i realized he was just a sports fan with a painted face, which i didn't find nearly as interesting. the nun came over to us, and gave stef some mail that had arrived. a girl who lived in another apartment upstairs came down and was talking about other strange mail that had arrived, little baby mannequins for someone's strange art installation projects.

and then we were at an indoor pool. people were diving, and someone did a cannonball, which seemed weird, but somehow we knew that it was a competition dive. and then i was leaving for work, i must have been late by now, and waved to stef who was sitting in the bleachers in a crowd of people. we had made up and smiled at each other.

on the way out of the building, through the rundown locker rooms, i stopped to check out a hot tub that was really more like one of those small, home fountains with nice round stones, but bigger. and the water was only luke-warm.

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sarah.m called me tonight. i had been thinking about calling her for a few days. but we all know how i am about procrastinating. and about phones. so it was really nice that she called. and somehow we didn't have much to say, but it was good to hear her voice. and she'll be back in town next week and we can hang out before i leave for rome.

and more tv tonight. but no beer. and i'll have to go into work tomorrow.