magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

this evening stef called from work and we got into something of a fight. she had to work later and then go over to the bar next door to split up tips with someone who had already left work. and then because she'd be there, have a beer. "are you upset?" she asked.

"there's only one part of what you said that i'm upset about." the beer. and it wasn't venomous, and it was cut short with a "we'll talk about it later," but we did sort of fight. and i felt so bad after hanging up the phone.

i wrote a note and left it on the outside door:

dear dear stef, to be honest i had been sort of mentally preparing for a fight since i left the boys. it was late, you hadn't called, i was considering my response if you suggested that we not see each other tonight. running through conversations in my head. i do this often. my possible scenarios are usually much worse than what really gets said. i don't know if its because i'm just preparing for the worst possible outcome or if i'm truly afraid of quite a lot of things, but you know that. and most of them are irrational, but you know that too. and although it's so foreign to my own way of thinking, i do understand that you need yr routine especially now, because it's something you have control over in the midst of lots of craziness, but by the same token i need reassurance against my fears now more than ever. and i wish that just rationally knowing that you love me was enough, just as i wish that simply coming home and climbing into bed with me was enough for you. but we aren't each other's everything. although i don't think we would either really want that anyway.

with love like stars, bean

stef came in late, after i was in bed. i woke up as she opened the bottom door and climbed the stairs. i pretended i was asleep. she undressed, brushed her teeth, and got into bed. she was crying. i put my arms around her. "isn't it sad?" she asked. "don't you wish that we could be each other's everything?"

"but it just makes all the rest that much more special."