magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

getting out of bed this morning was hard. i won't see stef in the morning for a while and i wanted to retain as much as possible. but we were constrained by my flight. and had to get up, get dressed, and set off. we made a few stops on our way out of providence, then were on the highway and this whole trip was really underway. i called both my parents with her cell phone. "i'm on my way to the airport. terribly stressed. i'll email you from rome."

"have a good trip. have fun. don't worry too much."

through boston. stef and i talked about architecture. the tunnel to the airport. parking. i pulled my bags out of the car. found places for the last few things that needed to be packed. the walk to the ticket counter. i asked again about getting a vegan meal on the plane. no luck. "ask in newark," they said.

peggy arrived. handed out passports and tickets. we checked our bags.

and then the gate. where i was a nervous wreck. i'm terrified of flying. i've forgotten all my italian. i don't want to leave stef. "i don't want to you go," she says.

"i think it's too late to pull out now." we do out best to smile. we sit together, just the two of us, away from everyone else, and hold hands. "you'll visit me. i'll be back in may. and then i won't let go."

"maybe yr plane will never come." and when they start boarding: "maybe i can hide in someone's bag." and then i'm waiting in line and she's crying, and saying "it's too hard, i can't stay any longer."

and she's around the corner, and gone. and i'm on the plane, in a window seat, rows ahead of all the other risd students but one, jeff, a junior in paiting, very quiet like me.

i closed my eyes tight during takeoff. but spent the rest of the short flight to newark looking out the window. the world looks fake shrunk so much down below you. and if the world isn't real then yr not really up so increddibly high above it. and it is beautiful so small, and i took lots of pictures.

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er!n met me in newark. to hang out during my stop over because she felt bad about missing me in new york last weekend. i was still a nervous wreck, although maybe not quite as bad as in boston. we ate bad airport chinese food. steamed vegetables, white rice, and some sort of tofu something. but just having some food in my stomache calmed me down a little. and having a friend there was nice, and i'm really glad that i got to see her before i was gone for eight months. although she has threatened to come visit me in rome as well.

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aboard the plane, on the aisle of the middle section of one of those large planes that seats nine across. just jeff and i up in front of all the other risd kids again.

the movie was crocodile dundee in los angelos. they didn't have a vegan meal for me (although one of the stewardesses got me some fresh fruit from first class). i spent most of the flight reading chuck palahniuk's survivor, or trying mostly unsuccessfully to sleep, or lost in thought.