magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

it's my second day. still morning. i've been here less than twenty-four hours. it's beautiful here, green mountains and ald buildings and a big bright blue sky. and the family i'm staying with is very nice. but i still just want to break down and cry. i wish i was in gubbio at least, to get lost in looking at the old buildings and among the people. rather than out here where i'm constantly aware of my own presense and my inability to really fit in.

---

i've spent pretty much all day today writing the last few weeks worth of journal entries from my notes and spotty memories. i was going to go into gubbio but the transportation didn't work out. but this has been good. it's kept my mind occupied. i don't know what i'm going to do once i finish, and i'm almost done. then it's beack to feeling awkward and scared and alone.

i guess i could try writing some short stories or something, although i do feel that doing all this writing in english is sort of cheating, since this is supposed to be immersion in italian language and culture. but if it keeps me from a panic attack.

i think that just spending time outside is good too, although it was cold today and i don't think i brought enough warm clothes. but being outside sort of disolves my awareness of self. i'm such a small part of things that my fears don't seem as big either.

right now it's getting dark, which is only serving to concentrate my awareness more on myself and my situation. and again i'm scared and alone and on the edge of tears.

---

i did actually break down and cry for a bit. but then dinner was good. a legume soup with chickpeas and lentils and such. and afterwards tv, which i can only understand a teeny bit, but it keeps my mind occupied anyway.