magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

before it was just all scared and lonely and homesick but now i'm starting to feel resentment for being so far away from things to do and see with no easy way to get there. it's partly a control thing i'm sure. i have no real power to manifest my own desires. while i could walk or hitchhike or something if it was completely up to me, i'm bound by somewhat nebulous obligations to the family that has taken me in. to be home for lunch and dinner. to put on a happy face and smile and nod and agree. i've always been a little indifferent when i comes to expressing my will (whatever's fine with me) even in situations in which i am much more comfortable, and i don't even really know how to express what i want to do in italian and even if i did i don't want to come across as pushy or ungrateful. i understand that mario (the son, twenty) has internet access from his computer, but it is expensive and so i haven't really asked to use it even though i want to check for mail from stef, to write her back, to write to my parents. i would like to go to gubbio each day, from early until late, but that seems like i'd be saying: i don't care for yr hospitality, i'd rather be elsewhere.

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and i didn't go into gubbio today. i didn't get further than a hundred meter radius around the house. and i just noticed that for the last half hour or so i've been having flashes of great barrington, as if maybe that's where i'd like to go for dinner. but that's not going to happen.

i did start my new sketchbook today. it's still unbound, but sort of in book form. and i came up with a concept for one of the two assignments that i have to complete during homestay. so i guess it was a semi-productive day. still, if given the choice, i think i'd choose to go back to rome rather than sticking it out here for another week and a half.

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this evening i finally did end up in gubbio. at a pub with debora's boyfriend angelo and two of his friends. he doesn't speak a word of english, but he's terribly sweet and stopped at his family's bar* to introduce me to his mom and sister on the way.

the pub was a pretty good approximation of a decent american version of what i expect a real irish pub is something like. too well lit, if anything. the beer was on the wattery side, but i had a good time anyway. it was nice hanging out with some italians my own age, in spite of my anti-social tendencies.

*in italy a bar is more of a cafe, they do have beer, but it's where you go to get yr coffee and maybe a sandwhich. a pub is what you'd expect, an american or english style bar.