magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

called my mom today, primarily so that i could get my tax information from last year for my financial aid application stuff, but ended up talking about everything else for almost two hours.

then wrote email to stef:

i'm not sure that i'm going to try and call again tonight. we'll see what my dialing fingers are telling me in an hour. i just talked to my mom and i think she was really helpful. she thinks, and probably rightly so, that i won't really be able to solve things from here, and that i'd be better off if i can just accept that and enjoy the next three months. not worry about having to have things resolved.

i don't know if i'll really be able to do all that. and honestly (and i have to be honest with you) part of what appeals to me about just trying to give you this space, and to give myself this time, is that lindsey is somehow in the equation. which does scare me as well. i really can't bear to think of you with anyone else. but i think that my mom is probably right in saying that it is unlikely that you will just wake up one day feeling as you have been living this horrible nightmare and pledging to wait for me. (part of me wishes that you would.) and it's not that i feel like i need to do what you've done to me, or that i need to replace you, but simply that my future is uncertain. i've got these tree months that are like three free months in this amazing city, to explore and see neat things and work on independent projects. and i've met someone comfortable. and she feels the same, and we both have these three months.

and i'm not saying that anything will happen. part of me still doesn't want anything to happen, to still remain completely committed to you. but i guess that i have to recognize that as much as i want to be with you, you are not ready to make that commitment to me, and nothing that i can say to you is going to change that, and i can't beat myself up over it for the next three months. "it's one thing to stub your own toe, but you can't let someone else do that."

i love you.

i love you.