magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

we went to a lecture at temple university. then to see mullholand drive. and later was sitting in lindsey's room, talking about the movie. then about us.

and again the time came to go to bed and i felt that tug of having to try and vocalize all the things that i feel as if i have to say every time we part. but i can never quite get the words to come out in complete sentences. in the right order. "i'll try to write. i'll try to tell you tomorrow. push me about it. goodnight."

i walked down the stairs to my room, grabbed a few pieces of paper. and remembered that i had called george earlier, left a message, said i'd call him back. so i did.

talked to emily.f, he had just gone out but would be back shortly. i tried to write my thoughts about/for lindsey. about the fact that it's harder for me in a way, that what she is looking for with someone else is an inconsequential "fling". how i feel that even without being able to promise anything beyond the next two and a half months i feel that i could be better for her than that. wondering how she would react if i was more physically direct. if i kissed her. would she slap me? push me away? kiss me back? and then say no?

and i was overwhelmed with the urge to call stef. lindsey had told me that claire had told her that word had spread back at risd that stef had been telling people that she had broken up with me. i didn't know what i'd say to stef. yell and scream? cry? nothing? but i dialed her number, heart pounding, sweating. and her voicemail. i hung up. i dialed again. i hung up.

called george again. we talked until five. about stef, until eventually i had to say, "stop. i don't want to talk about her anymore." about lindsey. i told him that i had been feeling hypocritical for my feelings but things had gotten to the point where really, if anything does happen, i'm completely in the moral clear.