magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

so.

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i'm watching a travel program on pbs about rome. there's a duality in this. i'm sitting in the living room of my old apartment, a place that i'm provisionally referring to as 'home' (a place i haven't left today, but still feel slightly on edge and out of place in) watching a show about this other, amazing place that i couldn't wait to leave a week and a half ago. since i've been back, everyone has, of course, asked me 'how was rome?'

'good and bad,' i say, 'but i'm glad i went.'

the second question, if they get that far, is usually along the lines of 'how does it feel to be back?' or, 'do you miss italy yet?'

'i was ready to come home,' i say. 'or, i was ready to leave italy, anyway. to go somewhere. not here necessarily.' which was about stef, mostly. the desire to leave italy. and the doubt about coming back to providence.

the last couple of days in rome were hard. the flight back. i read the second half of a 500 page novel. i would read until i started falling asleep, or i started crying. then stare out the window for a while. then more reading.

the fact that i had internalized the knowledge that things were over hadn't made it any easier to accept. the airport in boston was horrible. 'i just have to get out of here now,' i told garth. the last time i was in those halls, the elevator in the parking garage, was with stef. she had dropped me off, and i had always expected, really up until a week beforehand, that she would be there to pick me up.

since i've been back, i know that i have sort of been neglecting putting my thoughts into writing, but the little bit that i have written pretty much sums up where i was up until the luna show.

and then there was the luna show.

mid-afternoon i get a text message from stef: 'i'm going tonight maybe i'll see you there?' i updated my phone message page primarily with the thought that she might message me. i didn't know where that might lead, exactly, but then i didn't know where any of it would lead.

the only way i'm going to get through this, i thought to myself, is with a couple of drinks in me. so the requisite couple of drinks, and then chris.k and i still ended up at the show early.

between the opening band (consonant, who i had never heard of, but who, through chris brokaw, are connected in my own personal history of music listening to luna) and luna i felt a tap on my shoulder. 'hi, bean? i'm lindsay. stef's back there, she pointed you out to me.' we talked briefly, uncomfortably. 'stef wants to say hi, but she doesn't want to bother you either.'

writing this now, i feel bad (again) that lindsay was in the middle of this. i started writing to her to apologize the day after the show, but i haven't sent it. maybe more about that later.

stef did eventually come over to say hi. 'hi.'

'hi.'

'give me a hug.' she held out her arms. reluctantly, i hugged her, and once there i didn't want to let go. we also talked briefly. and then she wandered back away, into the crowd.

she made her way back a few times during the show. bushed up against me. took my hand. my head was full of conflicting thoughts. 'don't ever leave her side again,' part of my brain was saying. 'you can't put yourself through this,' from the rest.

after the show, and a great deal of internal deliberation (although i knew what would happen all along) i walked over to where she was standing. she talked a lot, out of nervousness, about not much of anything. i had a hard time forming whole words out loud, let alone sentences that made any sense. lindsay left, still looking uncomfortable with the whole situation. stef and i walked.

we stopped in the design center and sat and talked. we walked to her house, the stated intention being that she would then drive me home. in her driveway i said 'i don't want to go home.'

'are you sure?'

during the night she said to me, 'i've always loved you.' she said, 'you're not allowed to leave the country ever again. you're not allowed to leave except maybe to go to hawaii with me.' when she fell asleep we were curled tighter in eachother's arms than i think we had ever been before.

'long story short?' i've told people, 'stef and i spent the night together.' but what does it mean?

i asked her out on a date for sunday night. we ate thai food. went back to her place and watched ocean's eleven with her roommates. and i spent the night again.

tuesday (yesterday) afternoon we looked at photos and watched general hospital.

i'm scared. i'm falling back into all of this again. i'm scared. i'm afraid that she'll flip-flop again. that she'll decide, no, maybe she really doesn't want to be with me. or not even decide so much as act in a way belies a lack of desire to be with me. in other words, that she'll return to old habits. to cheating. to sleeping around.

she tells me that she doesn't think she'll ever cheat on anyone again. she tells me that she enjoys being with me now, but that she's always good in the beginning. she tells me that she doesn't feel what she used to, that maybe a seed of it is still buried within her, but that she has to find it. the inference that i draw is that she doesn't know if she will be able to.

i tell her that i still lover her. i tell her that i won't leave her ever again. i tell her that wherever she wants to go after graduation, i'll go with her. i haven't told her that i feel awful for the other people she has dragged into this. danny. lindsay, to a degree.

and so i continue to be conflicted. i guess i shouldn't be though. i should just make up my mind, and accept that decision for whatever it turns out to be worth. which is easy enough to say now. we'll see how i feel about it all tomorrow.