magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

today's been hard. since bed last night, really. new york was fun, but coming home, alone, was so empty. er!n and erin are still trying. george and emily are still trying. at the very least i was so exhausted that i fell asleep relatively quickly, without dwelling too much on all of it.

this morning though, it comes flooding back again. the crying. the not knowing what on earth to do. i text messaged er!n. i was fighting the urge to call stef.

I understand I hate every second of being away from erin even when we are fighting its better than nothing--can't I just marry him-ireallyhatenotlivingwithhim-

and more crying. more paralysis and frustration.

eventually daniel's to do some sysadmin work. keep my mind busy. but the last time i was here i was missing stef. i couldn't wait to go back to providence. to her. i wanted daniel and jeanette to meet her. and so there's that.

i told daniel that i was thinking about writing a short story or maybe a screenplay in which the main character kidnaps his ex-girlfriend because he just doesn't know what else to do. 'isn't that the sort of thing i should be reporting to the police?' daniel asks.