magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

b: hey, you came up in conversation. thinking about you. miss you.

e: In conversation with who?

b: w/ garth and cybèle. about how people we date change us. about how stef changed me. i said that i'm still noticing ways that you changed m, 4 years later.

e: I don't thin I did...but these things we generally wouldn't know unless we were told...for a second I said to myself u didn't change but in part u definitely did tho when i think about it it was in a very sad way

e: Sorry that must seem...well..no I mean there was something positive that i remember too

e: But I'm curious how did I change you?

i thought you'd ask that while i was typing the first message. and i didn't know what i would say, exactly. like when stef asked me why i was in love with her and i was flustered, it was something that i knew, but didn't have words for.

i should offer some sort of response though, and requiring more than simply a text message, i'll take a stab here. the first thing that comes into my head is a memory of bushnell park, or possibly a jumble of a few different memories of bushnell park. which is not an answer. neither is the fact that i've been carrying around a safety pin that you once pinned a leaf to my pants with.

yes, there was a sad way in which i changed. i let go of a belief in happily ever afters that had been a big part of me for as long as i can remember. along with that change in perception i also found it a lot harder to believe in magic. this wasn't directly your effect on me, but of where my life was at the time. you were definitely a part of the larger picture.

i think that you were largely what gave me the strength to go to texas. you were also the one thing that made leaving the hardest. sort of a contradiction i know. and that led us down very different paths for a while (not that we were ever really on the same path for long). so i'm not being very convincing here. as a writer, i always find it frustrating when i can't convey feelings with words. that's what being a writer is supposed to allow you to do. just trust that you affected me in more ways than you know. really. maybe someday i'll find the right words.