magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

studio today. still no design work, but we do have an assignment, to prepare some research on skyscrapers, and we've planned our field trip into new york city (for saturday), so it's feeling a little more like school.

i saw stef and amy as i was walking to the beb this morning. they stopped outside and separated for a moment, and as i passed amy first she said hello and asked how i was. i said i was okay, but probably didn't sound too convincing. i would have like to talked with her longer (i'd like to ask her about her summer, and things in general) but stef was walking back over to join her on the step. stef and i passed without any words or even full eye contact.

i saw her again around lunch time in her car. it was that one black jetta that really did end up being hers.

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chris called from chicago this afternoon. i don't think he's totally acclimated himself yet, but he does say that 'there's a huge pinata store down the street' from where he's living.

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email from annette about smoking. and my initial response, before reading any more than the first line, was to say 'but i'm not really smoking.' yes, i did buy a pack of cigarettes. but it was somehow only an experiment, not a gesture towards changing my life. truth be told i can't even seem to fuck up correctly. i don't know whether that's because i'm less broken than i take myself to be or because i'm more so.

after reading the email though, i felt this real oppositional desire to actually continue down this path that i'm not really even on. (i recognize that this is another stupid reason to do anything.) in mentioning the purchase of a pack of cigarettes and the thoughts that have arisen from that action over the last couple of days, i wasn't looking for anyone to kick my ass and tell me i'm being stupid. even out of love. i did have a brief little daydream this afternoon in which i actually indulged the impulse to smoke a cigarette and stef happened upon me. i didn't really know where it would go from there, but i guess if i wanted anyone to get upset with me, it would be her, in a sense validating my own concerns about her smoking habits. of course maybe she would only take issue with the reasons behind what i was doing (where there is room to take issue) and not with the act itself, thereby deflecting any implied negative connotations of her own actions. or worse (?), maybe she'd simply accept it.