magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

sms messages to sonali. after a phone call, and a brief bit of crying in the back room at work. the outbox on my phone doesn't seem to have super hard and fast rules about how it stores and orders things, so there might be some pieces missing from this:

so you told me on thursday night that i wouldn't feel sick the next morning and could eat a bagel on the way into work. and you were right.

but i did feel sick for most of the rest of the last few days. when i got home on friday night, the note that you had left had the tone of a goodbye note.

that was probably the start of this feeling. i didn't really understand how you could be in the city for another four days and be saying goodbye.

we did see each other on saturday, but i kind of felt as if i was intruding on your visit with trevett. and then bret came. and then i got a tattoo.

and throughout all of that i felt sick. and then yesterday you didn't call. and then today, only to call and say that you are sorry.

and that you still have other friends you need to see. and that you will be leaving without any more time for us. and without seeing my tattoo.

and without a real goodbye. i got that message from you about italy right when i needed it. it really cheered me up. and i loved spending thursday with you.

but i'm not going to be holding my breath.

and then:

i didn't intend that to sound mean at the end. just.. resigned.. i guess. i feel like i'm way too self-centered and melodramatic sometimes.

basically, what it amounts to is that i've spent the last two and a half months feeling abandoned by stef. and with cause. after all, she abandoned me. but this weekend i began projecting those feelings on the situation unfolding with sonali. she was the first of my friends who actually came and visited, and i didn't get to see as much of her as i was hoping to. and felt that she had come to new york only to abandon me as well.

and that's not really fair to her. she did blow me off yesterday, and i'm kind of hurt about that, but it's not the sort of thing that i ever stay upset about. i was the first person that she came and saw when she arrived in the city and that means a lot. and it was, in a way, the accident of that being a thursday night that led to the weekend unfolding the way it did. i had to go to work in the morning. she hung out with trevett on friday, and through the momentum of the weekend just ended up spending more of her time here with him than with anyone else.

---

then on aim with george, some of this is redundant:

2:50p

b: yo.

g: yo

b: so the past week has been a little crazy for me.

g: i gathered

b: 1. (mon-wed) i talked to stef for the first time in a month and a half. she has a new girlfriend and got fired from her job. i guess that the certainty of knowing that she's seeing someone new is better than simply assuming it, but it still hurts.

2. (wed) after getting off the phone with stef, crying, and smoking a cigarette, sonali sent me a message online asking if i would move to italy with her. she said she was serious. cool... if i were you... i would... ummm really consider it... but it isn't right for you yet.

3. (thu) sonali flew into nyc as part of her whirlwind spring break tour of the us. we went out for dinner. talked. had a few drinks. slept in the same bed, but nothing happened. she claimed to be serious about italy again. it would be in the fall.

4. (fri) i couldn't get in touch with sonali after work. chris and i went to an art show in chelsea. then dinner and a few drinks. then i ended up going home at 11. on friday night. with friends in town. i felt like a loser. passed out for two hours. got up and watched a few episodes of queer as folk then went back to bed.

5. (sat) couldn't make breakfast plans with anyone, so i took the train into manhattan and had a bagel by myself. while there i got a call from bret who was planning on driving into the city.

6. (sat) met up with sonali and her friend trevett, also from nmh, although i didn't know him, at the met and looked at art. ate a late lunch. chris called with a crazy idea (i'll get back to this later.)

7. (sat) after sonali, trevett, and i walked around central park for a while, bret got to the city. we met up, and had talked about getting drinks, but trevett wanted to go to a movie and sonali went with him. bret and i got coffee and took a train in the wrong direction. allison (from risd) called, said she had seen that girl brooke who said that when i went home with those sva kids that night it was a little weird, but i seemed cool.

8. (sat) chris's call was about getting tattoos. we did. bret didn't.

9. (sat) allison's call was about meeting up at the royal oak, a bar in brooklyn. chris and bret and i went. there were some other risd kids there, but allison never showed. we got drunk.

10. (sun) called sonali, she said she'd call me later. had brunch with bret and chris. walked about 40 blocks uptown. chris left. bret and i walked another 20 blocks, then around central park. went out for thai food. bret left the city. sonali never called me back.

11. (mon) got up for work. felt sick. (it's emotional sick, i'm sure. i've been this way since last monday, except for thursday night/friday morning.) sonali called around lunch time, to apologize for not calling yesterday, but not to actually make plans to hang out before she leaves tomorrow for the next stop on her trip. said she'd be back in april or may, probably. and probably may, if that. but to still think about italy. i told her that i knew a lot of it was projection, the fact that i've been feeling abandoned by stef for two and a half months, but now felt abandoned by her this weekend. she was the first of my friends who promised to come visit who actually did, and then we hardly spent any time together.

12. (mon) i haven't had lunch. still feeling sick. not holding my breath for italy.

g: it would be hard to hold your breath 'till september anyway.

b: yes.

b: but i do have a tattoo.

g: there's that.

b: and thursday night was nice. and friday morning i didn't feel sick. and i got to hang out with bret. so a lot of good stuff happened in the last week. as well as some bad stuff. and some stuff that i'm taking way too personally because i'm a big drama queen.

g: "queen" huh? i like "drama artist" better.

g: for me.... i read "the unabridged h.g. wells" this weekend.

g: the end.

g: i didn't even get this stain on my arm till i went to work today.

g: it's not a tattoo... but it'll take a couple days to go away.

g: "washable" paint that stays on if you wash it. i think i misunderstood the label.

g: at least it's orange.

g: and in the shape of a three year olds index finger.