magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

First, I feel the need to point out that the end of daylight saving time marks the beginning of my generally least favourite time of year. If I seem even more more cranky and depression-prone than usual over the next few days / weeks (/ months), that lack of sunlight is a prime suspect.

And speaking of things disliked, George offered up on his site today some of the reasons why he doesn't like parties:

I don't like crowds for a number of reasons. It is difficult to commmunicate in groups. The more people, the more effort it takes to get thoughts, emotions, and ideas across. [ ... ] A few things about myself; I don't drink, I don't smoke (anything), I don't use recreational drugs, I don't care for casual sex, and I'm vegan. [ ... ] Parties don't have much to offer me.

Now, I'm at least as introverted as he is, and agree completely with the bit about communication. It's the cornerstone of the classic introvert/extrovert question. 'Would you rather have an intimate, in-depth conversation with one or two other people, or attend a large social function and chat with lots of different people?' Of course everyone falls somewhere on a spectrum between those two, and there are always other factors at play, but certainly, more often than not, I tend towards the introvert side. Add to this the fact that when there is a lot of ambient noise (bar, club, loud party), I have a hard time focussing on individual sounds within the field, and hence a hard time following the thread of a conversation.

Of course it's a few of the things in the second half of his explanation that keep me coming back to parties, even if oftentimes I end up feeling lonely, frustrated, and misplaced at them. I supposed I should point out that veganism is a bit of red herring in that list. I suspect that he mentioned it primarily so that he could go on and say that he is basically straight-edge, although without the philosophical or moralistic underpinnings that that term generally implies. I, of course, am vegan too. I also do not use recreational drugs. I only rarely smoke, when I'm feeling completely overwhelmed (emotionally, romantically, socially, professionally, etc.) for a number of days. It calms me down, there is a meditativeness to it, and the self-destructive aspect can actually (in small doses) be therapeutic (in the way that self depreciating humour is). And I do occasionally enjoy the sensation of the smoke, the tobacco taste, although just as often it has the opposite effect, making me sick to my stomach. I smoke pot even less often, I don't particularly care for the THC high, and it almost always mixes badly with alcohol in my system. Which brings me to my main point.

I like alcohol. I like the way a lot of it tastes. I like a pretty wide cross-section of beers. I like wine. I like most well-crafted hard liquors. I very much like the sensation of being slightly to moderately drunk. I like that it reduces my social inhibitions. I like the fact that it makes me more talkative. And willing to cut my own hair. To sing karaoke. To flirt. I like feeling the world spin (slightly) when I lie down and close my eyes.

I don't think that I'm in any danger of alcoholism. I've got a strong will. I've managed to avoid nicotine addiction in spite of a few short periods of heavy smoking, a history of depression, and a fairly significant oral fixation (I bite my nails, chew on my knuckles, pens and pencils, and whatever else I might have on hand). I don't drink daily. I almost never drink while working (which is always a possibility since I work from home and often late into the evening). But I am definitely a heavy recreational drinker. When I go out, if drinking is a part of the agenda, I'll typical have five, six, seven, or more drinks. (Apparently, according to NYC's Department of Health, five drinks on one occasion in a 30 day period puts one at risk for binge drinking, but I'm not particularly worried.)

Now, alcohol has certainly caused it share of problems in my life. I've had more than enough terrible hangovers, which mostly seem to get worse with age. I've definitely done and said some stupid things while my inhibitions have been down. Alcohol was almost certainly a contributing factor (albeit among many) in my last couple of breakups. Of course it also contributed towards getting involved in those relationships to begin with, which is where I come back to the item that I skipped over on George's list, and to part of why I keep going to parties.

It's not to drunkenly hook up with random girls. Yes, it's happened, although probably less often than my fairly liberal social morals and (maybe somewhat nerdy and awkward but generally good, I think,) looks (and besides the sorts of girls that I'm interested in tend to like nerdy boys) might lead one to guess. I've certainly got nothing against sex. It's just that I'm, mostly, looking for something more. However, I work from home, I'm no longer in school, and I've pretty much given up on internet dating. I'm no good at talking to strangers in bars, even with the reduced inhibitions afforded by alcohol. And so parties are really my best shot at meeting girls. I can't say that it's worked out terribly well for me, but I guess I've always remained an optimist in some ways, and keep on hoping.