Untitled.
26 November 1998
![[ ]](http://mbpix.mushroom.net/19981126y.png)
okay. complete honesty, right? my happily-ever-after complex received something of another blow tonight. i knew that this one was coming, but i was expecting...
okay, i have to mention the flaming truck. it's just too fucking incongruous to wait for its place chronologically at the end of the evening. i was walking home, and hopped the fence that separates the church parking lot from the other parking lot at the end of my street. i came around a row of trees, and there's a pickup truck completely engulfed in flames. completely engulfed in flames. within two minutes a couple of cop cars and a fire truck have arrived, and they've put the fire out. my timing, to see this, was impeccable. i don't know what this means, other than life is fucking weird sometimes, which was sorta the theme of the evening, which i'll get back to now.
...but i was expecting it to happen when sonali came to visit. as you all know i've become pretty attached to er!n. i said "i still would like to find the time in my life to spend a bunch of it with you." and she said "that's really nice sometimes i think that i might feel that way too...but you may not feel that way in nine months (in nine minutes) and just because you said you do you don't have to although it might not be the worst thing in the world if you did." i've mentioned that i have very similar feelings for er!n and sonali. that's one of the factors that originally lead to my whole questioning of the happily-ever-afters. and i've quoted sonali's "i love yer body next to mine." er!n's said about jealousy "i'm not sure that i've ever really felt that way." but she's also said "i've been trying not to let you know how much i miss you (tho you prolly have some idea now still you couldn't possibly know how much)...and it is pretty cool considering how much i usually tend to distance myself from any sort of closeness (even texas isn't quite that far)."
i knew that when sonali came to visit, as she promised to do, a whole bunch of feelings and questions would be stirred up. but they were all stirred up tonight under different circumstances.
a couple of days ago i was typing up a faerie tale that i had written for allison's birthday many years back, in order to send it to er!n, as i have been sending bits and pieces of old things to her in email. (as a complete aside, that faerie tale, and some others of its ilk, as well as a few more poems are on the words page.) while i was typing it, a nightly digest of a really nifty mailing list i'm on came in. i haven't been reading them lately, just filing them away, but something made me read this one. in it was a letter from someone here in austin. i responded, saying that something had made me read the digest, and i happened to have found myself in austin too.
quorpencetta and i met over coffee tonight. we talked, although i had warned her that i am very quiet. we ended up kinda cuddling on a couch in the coffee shop. we went for a walk. we climbed a tree. we sat on a park bench. we kissed.
this is not entirely out of character behaviour for me. it very much mimics my first two encounters with sonali. (there was a two week lapse there, but we had no contact during it.) but i guess the surrounding context is pretty different this time.
then i walked home and saw a pickup truck on fire. and george said he saw a shooting star, even through all the light pollution of the city. then i lied on my floor for a bit without any fully formed thoughts. i told quorpencetta earlier that i have a hard time turning the constant stream of thoughts in my brain off. she asked me what i was thinking about when we kissed, and among other things, it was er!n. and she said "seeing her face?" and i said "no. but she was definitely my most prevalent thought." the burning truck was, in a way, like a zen koan. it shocked the thoughts out of me. if only for a bit.
i dreamt that gale and sam and george and i were not starting see, but were instead publishing a comic book. but it was still just as big an undertaking. there was a scene on top of mount monadnock, 'cept it was covered in arctic-like snow. and there was another scene at my mom's house, like it was when i was growing up, but there was a swimming pool and the beginnings of an underground dwelling in the back yard. throughout the whole dream i was having a hard time getting my eyes to focus in the area of about a foot and four feet in front of me.
okay, i have to mention the flaming truck. it's just too fucking incongruous to wait for its place chronologically at the end of the evening. i was walking home, and hopped the fence that separates the church parking lot from the other parking lot at the end of my street. i came around a row of trees, and there's a pickup truck completely engulfed in flames. completely engulfed in flames. within two minutes a couple of cop cars and a fire truck have arrived, and they've put the fire out. my timing, to see this, was impeccable. i don't know what this means, other than life is fucking weird sometimes, which was sorta the theme of the evening, which i'll get back to now.
...but i was expecting it to happen when sonali came to visit. as you all know i've become pretty attached to er!n. i said "i still would like to find the time in my life to spend a bunch of it with you." and she said "that's really nice sometimes i think that i might feel that way too...but you may not feel that way in nine months (in nine minutes) and just because you said you do you don't have to although it might not be the worst thing in the world if you did." i've mentioned that i have very similar feelings for er!n and sonali. that's one of the factors that originally lead to my whole questioning of the happily-ever-afters. and i've quoted sonali's "i love yer body next to mine." er!n's said about jealousy "i'm not sure that i've ever really felt that way." but she's also said "i've been trying not to let you know how much i miss you (tho you prolly have some idea now still you couldn't possibly know how much)...and it is pretty cool considering how much i usually tend to distance myself from any sort of closeness (even texas isn't quite that far)."
i knew that when sonali came to visit, as she promised to do, a whole bunch of feelings and questions would be stirred up. but they were all stirred up tonight under different circumstances.
a couple of days ago i was typing up a faerie tale that i had written for allison's birthday many years back, in order to send it to er!n, as i have been sending bits and pieces of old things to her in email. (as a complete aside, that faerie tale, and some others of its ilk, as well as a few more poems are on the words page.) while i was typing it, a nightly digest of a really nifty mailing list i'm on came in. i haven't been reading them lately, just filing them away, but something made me read this one. in it was a letter from someone here in austin. i responded, saying that something had made me read the digest, and i happened to have found myself in austin too.
quorpencetta and i met over coffee tonight. we talked, although i had warned her that i am very quiet. we ended up kinda cuddling on a couch in the coffee shop. we went for a walk. we climbed a tree. we sat on a park bench. we kissed.
this is not entirely out of character behaviour for me. it very much mimics my first two encounters with sonali. (there was a two week lapse there, but we had no contact during it.) but i guess the surrounding context is pretty different this time.
then i walked home and saw a pickup truck on fire. and george said he saw a shooting star, even through all the light pollution of the city. then i lied on my floor for a bit without any fully formed thoughts. i told quorpencetta earlier that i have a hard time turning the constant stream of thoughts in my brain off. she asked me what i was thinking about when we kissed, and among other things, it was er!n. and she said "seeing her face?" and i said "no. but she was definitely my most prevalent thought." the burning truck was, in a way, like a zen koan. it shocked the thoughts out of me. if only for a bit.
i dreamt that gale and sam and george and i were not starting see, but were instead publishing a comic book. but it was still just as big an undertaking. there was a scene on top of mount monadnock, 'cept it was covered in arctic-like snow. and there was another scene at my mom's house, like it was when i was growing up, but there was a swimming pool and the beginnings of an underground dwelling in the back yard. throughout the whole dream i was having a hard time getting my eyes to focus in the area of about a foot and four feet in front of me.