magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

so, this is a shot [pic removed, link added] of the site for see. the grass is not normally quite that blue, but hey, what're you gonna do? the real issue here is, what the fuck am i doing with my life? a year ago, i was psyched about see. nine months ago, i was moving, spring, late may, early june. six months ago, it was late june, definitely. three months ago, nick had pulled out. i'm going to drive down to nyc for the monthly tri-state chapter meeting...

later, i wrote the following in an email to erin:

okay. here's an analogy. last sunday morning i woke up plagued with bad feelings. i wrote "more clouds than sun the forecast said/i woke up early to blue skies/and wave after wave of self-doubt". i was going to the monthly meeting of the local first millennial foundation chapter. since the colony in texas has been planned by our chapter, and most of the initial settlers are from the area, we were going to discuss it before the meeting. on my way there, i was overwhelmed with the thought that it would be so much easier not to be a pioneer / dreamer / visionary / whatever, and just live a "normal" life. rent an apartment, hang out with friends. leave saving the earth up to someone else. one of the initial settlers had already dropped out a few months ago. at the meeting, another announced that he wouldn't be able to move for two or three years. the medical discharge for the girl in the air force is not now certain. and the family that was going to be/will be moving will not be moving as long as the parents have their current jobs. i was (and still am) filled with this overwhelming urge to give up on the whole idea, but i still feel some sort of obligation, probably stronger than ever, because it's very much resting on me at the moment. and again in the other direction, i'm not sure my life really needs that kinda of pressure.

when people asked me when i was moving, i'd say i have no idea if i'm moving. or what i'm doing. i had planned to email gale after that meeting, and tell him of all my second thoughts. i put it off, and put it off. and now it's been months. when i talk to him on the phone, i just can't put those things into words. in just over a week, we're getting together to sign the papers and officially start the cooperative. gale is hoping i'll move in august, and i implied that that seems feasible. i tried to say, i'd like to stick around and take some more classes. i tried to say, i'm finally making some money at work. but all i said was i've taken on more responsibilities at work. if i'm still around in the fall, i'll take some classes.

yesterday, i spoke with bucky and damien on fruit. bret's down in austin visiting the two of them. i told them that i'm probably moving down there towards the end of august. whenever erin or sam or someone i don't really want to leave behind asks me, i tell them i haven't made any decisions. i keep hoping i'll wake up one morning and know what to do.

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also on the indecisive front, my reunion at nmh is this weekend. going on right now. i was planning on driving up and hanging out with bret, and crashing at his parents' house, but when i emailed him last week, he said well, i forgot about it, and i'm gonna be in austin. fucking bum. and alex got an invitation despite not graduating from nmh, but he's still in italy, or just back from there or something. and i wouldn't mind seeing doug and chris france and a couple of other people, but i don't know if they're going to be there, and really, most of my class, i don't care.

so am i going to drive up there tomorrow morning? just for the day maybe? i probably will. and why? as much as i hate vocalizing this, 'cause allison might be around. she and her brother were both working at graduation two years back, and very well could be working at this year's reunion. of course maybe it's a nero weekend and she's doing that, or maybe she's traveling, or who the hell knows really, it's been a long time. and really, i'm just a big fucking loser, still.

not to end on that note, i'll share sonali's words of a couple days back: "hey... if you ever forget I love you I'll punch you, kay?"