Untitled.
2 August 1998
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well, at&t's started declining my credit card number. which probably means that my checking account is empty, or even overdrawn. woo-hoo. fun. all i can say is li better reimburse me for all these long distance charges, plus any bounce fees they might have incurred.
i might have been a little too hasty in judging george's negativism towards cities. in lincoln nebraska, after my comment that "this city is fucking broken", and then driving around for a while, he said that it was actually kinda nice.
and nebraska. i'm here in sonali's apartment, which is weird, seeing her for the first time in over two years. when i called her earlier today to say that i was coming, which was tough in itself given my fear of phones, but i managed, and she said that it was cool that i was coming but scary too. and it was. getting out of my parked car, my heart was beating a little too fast and all.
and in the car, during the eight or so hour drive, i was thinking about all kinds of things, and when given too much time to think, of course, my mind returns to certain loops. and it's inconceivable to me now that i could ever feel about anyone the way i felt about allison. which is sad, and not true, i hope, but it's the way that i feel now. for example, and returning to where this started, honestly, i think that i would be perfectly happy to spend my life with sonali. but, something would be missing. the way i like to explain it is that i think in a past life we were the subjects of an arranged marriage and we were happy and grew to love each other very deeply, but because of the way things started there would always be something missing.
i think that my problem, or maybe its something positive, or probably both, is that it's all about love. i don't really see a lot of point in being in a relationship for any reason other than love. sex is fun and all, but i don't need it. and i would like more companionship, but one can have that outside of a romantic relationship. and i would like more physical contact, which can exist outside of a romantic relationship too, but is more common in one. and i guess sex is just an extension of that, but it's the part that our society has deemed the most important bit. shrug.
maybe more on all of this at a later date. or not.
i might have been a little too hasty in judging george's negativism towards cities. in lincoln nebraska, after my comment that "this city is fucking broken", and then driving around for a while, he said that it was actually kinda nice.
and nebraska. i'm here in sonali's apartment, which is weird, seeing her for the first time in over two years. when i called her earlier today to say that i was coming, which was tough in itself given my fear of phones, but i managed, and she said that it was cool that i was coming but scary too. and it was. getting out of my parked car, my heart was beating a little too fast and all.
and in the car, during the eight or so hour drive, i was thinking about all kinds of things, and when given too much time to think, of course, my mind returns to certain loops. and it's inconceivable to me now that i could ever feel about anyone the way i felt about allison. which is sad, and not true, i hope, but it's the way that i feel now. for example, and returning to where this started, honestly, i think that i would be perfectly happy to spend my life with sonali. but, something would be missing. the way i like to explain it is that i think in a past life we were the subjects of an arranged marriage and we were happy and grew to love each other very deeply, but because of the way things started there would always be something missing.
i think that my problem, or maybe its something positive, or probably both, is that it's all about love. i don't really see a lot of point in being in a relationship for any reason other than love. sex is fun and all, but i don't need it. and i would like more companionship, but one can have that outside of a romantic relationship. and i would like more physical contact, which can exist outside of a romantic relationship too, but is more common in one. and i guess sex is just an extension of that, but it's the part that our society has deemed the most important bit. shrug.
maybe more on all of this at a later date. or not.