Untitled.
3 August 1998
![[ ]](http://mbpix.mushroom.net/19980803y.png)
okay, i'm going to write a preface for the last two days. i don't filter anything that i write for this spot. so it's not all necessarily what i really want to write, but it is what i'm feeling. so i guess that's all okay. and it didn't even need this, but.
so this is something of a continuation of yesterday most of which was actually written a little after midnight last night, but since i was just coming from mountain time, i figured it was okay.
i think that the important bit of what i wrote yesterday is the need for physical contact. i rough-house with sam, and occasionally poke someone for no good reason, and sometimes hug people, but it's usually initiated by them, and that's where i fall short. i can't really reach out for any kind of physical contact, although i'd like to. i hold it inside with all the words and stuff that are always floating around in there when i'm not saying anything. and so i often get this very isolated feeling, even when there are people around.
or at least that's part of it.
i feel like there should be much more for me to say. this is sorta the words floating around inside thing. it usually is more of a problem when talking to people, and not when writing, but i sort of feel like i'm talking with people now. this whole online thing runs both ways, it opens me up to say a lot of what i wouldn't otherwise, because i'm not really talking to people, i'm just typing. but sometimes i get a little caught up on the who on the other end.
and right now none of that seems very important to me. there's something that i feel like i'm just on the tip of, but that i can't see clearly.
i just had the impression that i'm always going to be a lonely person. i don't know if there's any truth in that. i hope not. but right now, i don't see a way past it. right now i'm in a room with two of my closest friends in the whole world, and i feel almost totally alone. of course they're both doing their own things, and i'm writing this, but.. and of course i'm always a little more lonely in groups than i am one on one, but..
and in another month and a half, i'll be running away from everything again, and isolating myself at see. or at least that is the way i feel about it right now. at last year's conclave i got all excited about see, it sounded like a great idea, i couldn't wait to move. then this year, after all my little bouts of self-doubt and all, i had basically reconciled moving, and then at the conclave there was none of the enthusiasm that i had. in fact, at times i almost felt clostrophobic, that i was being locked into something and i needed to find a way out. right now i don't want to spend then next three to five years of my life in one place.
and what does this have to do with physical contact or loneliness? i'm not sure i know. there's got to be parallels to be drawn. i don't want to be lonely. i don't want to be alone, physically, mentally, emotionally. which brings me full circle in a way. that is why i'm looking for love. love means that in a real way, you are never alone. but, here i am placing my happiness, in effect, on an outside source again. on some other person. maybe being here with sonali is opening up paths in my mind that have been dormant for a while.
okay, so it's all just messed up physiological-chemical broken emotional me. if i can close my eyes and see all the neato stuff inside, the outside shouldn't really matter, although i shouldn't ignore it either. in the middle of writing all of this, sonali came over and sat on the couch next to me, and all of a sudden, all the negative stuff found somewhere else to be, outside the conscious side of all of this. all of a sudden, i was smiling, and i could feel colour in my face, and. but in a way, this proves the whole outside source thing, and that's just more junk.
but if i don't analyze everything, and just live, i'll probably be better off in the long run.
while sonali was at school and george just sorta hung out here, i walked 17 or so blocks across town to go get some lunch, and sitting there eating i reread the page i got from erin last night (which started with "goodmorning"), and had one of those moments when all my worrying and complaining just seems so stupid.
my mind feels really heavy right now. there's stuff going on in there, but the density is keeping it from my conscious. and my focus is going with it. weird.
so this is something of a continuation of yesterday most of which was actually written a little after midnight last night, but since i was just coming from mountain time, i figured it was okay.
i think that the important bit of what i wrote yesterday is the need for physical contact. i rough-house with sam, and occasionally poke someone for no good reason, and sometimes hug people, but it's usually initiated by them, and that's where i fall short. i can't really reach out for any kind of physical contact, although i'd like to. i hold it inside with all the words and stuff that are always floating around in there when i'm not saying anything. and so i often get this very isolated feeling, even when there are people around.
or at least that's part of it.
i feel like there should be much more for me to say. this is sorta the words floating around inside thing. it usually is more of a problem when talking to people, and not when writing, but i sort of feel like i'm talking with people now. this whole online thing runs both ways, it opens me up to say a lot of what i wouldn't otherwise, because i'm not really talking to people, i'm just typing. but sometimes i get a little caught up on the who on the other end.
and right now none of that seems very important to me. there's something that i feel like i'm just on the tip of, but that i can't see clearly.
i just had the impression that i'm always going to be a lonely person. i don't know if there's any truth in that. i hope not. but right now, i don't see a way past it. right now i'm in a room with two of my closest friends in the whole world, and i feel almost totally alone. of course they're both doing their own things, and i'm writing this, but.. and of course i'm always a little more lonely in groups than i am one on one, but..
and in another month and a half, i'll be running away from everything again, and isolating myself at see. or at least that is the way i feel about it right now. at last year's conclave i got all excited about see, it sounded like a great idea, i couldn't wait to move. then this year, after all my little bouts of self-doubt and all, i had basically reconciled moving, and then at the conclave there was none of the enthusiasm that i had. in fact, at times i almost felt clostrophobic, that i was being locked into something and i needed to find a way out. right now i don't want to spend then next three to five years of my life in one place.
and what does this have to do with physical contact or loneliness? i'm not sure i know. there's got to be parallels to be drawn. i don't want to be lonely. i don't want to be alone, physically, mentally, emotionally. which brings me full circle in a way. that is why i'm looking for love. love means that in a real way, you are never alone. but, here i am placing my happiness, in effect, on an outside source again. on some other person. maybe being here with sonali is opening up paths in my mind that have been dormant for a while.
okay, so it's all just messed up physiological-chemical broken emotional me. if i can close my eyes and see all the neato stuff inside, the outside shouldn't really matter, although i shouldn't ignore it either. in the middle of writing all of this, sonali came over and sat on the couch next to me, and all of a sudden, all the negative stuff found somewhere else to be, outside the conscious side of all of this. all of a sudden, i was smiling, and i could feel colour in my face, and. but in a way, this proves the whole outside source thing, and that's just more junk.
but if i don't analyze everything, and just live, i'll probably be better off in the long run.
while sonali was at school and george just sorta hung out here, i walked 17 or so blocks across town to go get some lunch, and sitting there eating i reread the page i got from erin last night (which started with "goodmorning"), and had one of those moments when all my worrying and complaining just seems so stupid.
my mind feels really heavy right now. there's stuff going on in there, but the density is keeping it from my conscious. and my focus is going with it. weird.