Untitled.
4 August 1998
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it's been great being here and seeing sonali. it's always cool to spend time with people who you haven't seen in years. but it's always really tough to get in yr car and move on. and it's especially tough this time, last night when she went to bed, and i knew i was leaving today, i already missed her, and it made me feel completely alone, even though she was right on the other side of the wall, about three feet away.
we were talking about love yesterday. the kind of love that tears up yr heart into little bits, over and over, but you'd be lying if you said that the couple moments of absolute pure joy weren't worth all the pain. and even knowing what i know now, and being more "stable" or whatever, i'd probably do the whole thing over again. it's a drug and we convince ourselves that the ups are worth all the downs.
but i also think that there can be another kind of love. maybe i'm wrong. maybe you can't get anywhere near that high without feeling terribly low before and after. and if you can't, then what then? settle for something? just stay single?
the dominant decision making part of me, that is to say the part that doesn't, says to just sit back and wait for it to happen to you. it will all fall into place, as it has always done. and for the time being, i just have to be lonely. even when i venture into the beautiful, magical places inside, i am standing there alone. and although i'm smiling, tears are welling up in my eyes as well.
sonali left for school, and of course i didn't say anything i wanted to say, so instead i'll just say them here in public, or some of them. some can wait for private email. there are still parts of my life that are not completely in the public domain, although basically only where they overlap with other people's privacy.
so.. last night we were sitting around after going out and seeing some of lincoln and eating dinner, and i was kinda slouched down on the couch with my arms at my side and sonali laid her head down on my arm and tilted it to the side and looked down at the bracelet that sam made for me (that when sonali asked about earlier i realized that i've worn it for longer than i've known her), and then she ran two fingers along three or four inches of my wrist, and that little gesture was the most affectionate thing that anyone has done to me in a very long time. erin came close when she leaned her head against mine with one arm around my waist, and allison came close when she hugged me goodbye that last time that i saw her. and before that was sonali again.
and actually, i don't feel as lonely and empty now that we have actually parted than i did before, just knowing that we would. although i do miss her.
we were talking about love yesterday. the kind of love that tears up yr heart into little bits, over and over, but you'd be lying if you said that the couple moments of absolute pure joy weren't worth all the pain. and even knowing what i know now, and being more "stable" or whatever, i'd probably do the whole thing over again. it's a drug and we convince ourselves that the ups are worth all the downs.
but i also think that there can be another kind of love. maybe i'm wrong. maybe you can't get anywhere near that high without feeling terribly low before and after. and if you can't, then what then? settle for something? just stay single?
the dominant decision making part of me, that is to say the part that doesn't, says to just sit back and wait for it to happen to you. it will all fall into place, as it has always done. and for the time being, i just have to be lonely. even when i venture into the beautiful, magical places inside, i am standing there alone. and although i'm smiling, tears are welling up in my eyes as well.
sonali left for school, and of course i didn't say anything i wanted to say, so instead i'll just say them here in public, or some of them. some can wait for private email. there are still parts of my life that are not completely in the public domain, although basically only where they overlap with other people's privacy.
so.. last night we were sitting around after going out and seeing some of lincoln and eating dinner, and i was kinda slouched down on the couch with my arms at my side and sonali laid her head down on my arm and tilted it to the side and looked down at the bracelet that sam made for me (that when sonali asked about earlier i realized that i've worn it for longer than i've known her), and then she ran two fingers along three or four inches of my wrist, and that little gesture was the most affectionate thing that anyone has done to me in a very long time. erin came close when she leaned her head against mine with one arm around my waist, and allison came close when she hugged me goodbye that last time that i saw her. and before that was sonali again.
and actually, i don't feel as lonely and empty now that we have actually parted than i did before, just knowing that we would. although i do miss her.