Untitled.
5 August 1998
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i'm not as pathetic as all this makes me sound. really.
there's a number of ways to analyze my emotions of the last few days. i think that the simplest is that i'm lonely and seeing sonali for the first time in a number of years was just sort of overwhelming, and then we parted ways again, and it left what felt like a bigger hole than usual.
and then, after hours and hours of driving, i was overwhelmed with a sense of inferiority. in relation to her. in some ways, she has had so much more of a life in her 19 years than i have in my 23. i think it's something of a defense mechanism. if i feel inferior towards her, i'm not going to have as strong a desire to be with her, and therefore her absence shouldn't feel like as big a hole.
and a little later, i had this very brief feeling of being inside a giant dome, like one of those little snowy scenes, but it wasn't at all confining, it felt quite magical and liberating.
actually, i think i've got a somewhat regular inferiority complex. which is not the same as a low self image, i think pretty highly of myself. but when compared to people i'm close too, i often have a higher image of them. which leads to all kinda of problems in relationships.
and more driving, and more thoughts, and all of that.
there's a number of ways to analyze my emotions of the last few days. i think that the simplest is that i'm lonely and seeing sonali for the first time in a number of years was just sort of overwhelming, and then we parted ways again, and it left what felt like a bigger hole than usual.
and then, after hours and hours of driving, i was overwhelmed with a sense of inferiority. in relation to her. in some ways, she has had so much more of a life in her 19 years than i have in my 23. i think it's something of a defense mechanism. if i feel inferior towards her, i'm not going to have as strong a desire to be with her, and therefore her absence shouldn't feel like as big a hole.
and a little later, i had this very brief feeling of being inside a giant dome, like one of those little snowy scenes, but it wasn't at all confining, it felt quite magical and liberating.
actually, i think i've got a somewhat regular inferiority complex. which is not the same as a low self image, i think pretty highly of myself. but when compared to people i'm close too, i often have a higher image of them. which leads to all kinda of problems in relationships.
and more driving, and more thoughts, and all of that.