Untitled.
1 September 1998
![[ ]](http://mbpix.mushroom.net/19980901y.png)
so what is it that i'm so confused about anyway?
i've been longing for some sort of happily-ever-after for so long, that it feels odd that i could really be happy outside of that. but that's where i find myself. rationally, i can acknowledge that there's no such thing as happily-ever-afters in the "real" world. but, well, i don't really spend a whole lot of time living in the real world.
but don't i take pride in the fluidity of my world view? if i find something confusing can't i just change the screen through which i'm filtering it all until it makes sense? maybe. maybe i'm enjoying the state in which i can call my life confused. maybe it leaves me free from feeling some need to label everything (which is a process that i'm against to begin with).
i started thinking the other night that faerie tales are really much more complex than the colloquialism of the term gives them credit for. back in high school i figured out the meaning of life once while washing dishes. i promptly forgot it, which is what the mind tends to do when it stumbles across so great a truth. but the one thing that i did remember was that it had something to do with complexity.
the world is not supposed to make sense from a faerie tale point of view (or maybe even any point of view). there's something important about a variation of chess known as faerie chess. it keeps cycling back into my life. in it, new pieces are are added to the traditional game of chess. they move differently, have different rules and limitations. they basically make the game more complex. chess is already thought by some to be some sort of metaphorical representation for life, but something about faerie chess just rings truer to me.
and so, accept the confusion of my life? discard the world-view? or expand it? i've never given a lot of credence to astrology. i am a pretty typical cancer, but that's never been enough to win me over. i have always been into various aspects of metaphysics and divination and stuff tho, if only to try to understand myself and my own mind better. a couple of years back i came across a division of the year into 36 parts (three subdivisions of each of the zodiac signs), and assigned to each one was a tarot card (the 2-10s of the four suits). the card that corresponded to yr birthday was s'posed to be yr "destiny" card, that card which is the overarching theme of yr life. the basis for every major decision. the concept that most occupies yr mind.
my card is the two of cups. love. traditionally depicted as a man and a woman each with a golden cup (at least since the time of the rider deck, designed by a. e. waite and painted by pamela coleman smith (who was known as "pixie" to her friends) which is prolly the most common tarot deck out there and the one on which most modern decks are based). and, this has been the dominant theme in my life.
where was i? i've gotten completely lost in all this. which maybe says something. and maybe that's the way it's s'posed to be. g'night. maybe i'll be more coherent tomorrow. or less.
i've been longing for some sort of happily-ever-after for so long, that it feels odd that i could really be happy outside of that. but that's where i find myself. rationally, i can acknowledge that there's no such thing as happily-ever-afters in the "real" world. but, well, i don't really spend a whole lot of time living in the real world.
but don't i take pride in the fluidity of my world view? if i find something confusing can't i just change the screen through which i'm filtering it all until it makes sense? maybe. maybe i'm enjoying the state in which i can call my life confused. maybe it leaves me free from feeling some need to label everything (which is a process that i'm against to begin with).
i started thinking the other night that faerie tales are really much more complex than the colloquialism of the term gives them credit for. back in high school i figured out the meaning of life once while washing dishes. i promptly forgot it, which is what the mind tends to do when it stumbles across so great a truth. but the one thing that i did remember was that it had something to do with complexity.
the world is not supposed to make sense from a faerie tale point of view (or maybe even any point of view). there's something important about a variation of chess known as faerie chess. it keeps cycling back into my life. in it, new pieces are are added to the traditional game of chess. they move differently, have different rules and limitations. they basically make the game more complex. chess is already thought by some to be some sort of metaphorical representation for life, but something about faerie chess just rings truer to me.
and so, accept the confusion of my life? discard the world-view? or expand it? i've never given a lot of credence to astrology. i am a pretty typical cancer, but that's never been enough to win me over. i have always been into various aspects of metaphysics and divination and stuff tho, if only to try to understand myself and my own mind better. a couple of years back i came across a division of the year into 36 parts (three subdivisions of each of the zodiac signs), and assigned to each one was a tarot card (the 2-10s of the four suits). the card that corresponded to yr birthday was s'posed to be yr "destiny" card, that card which is the overarching theme of yr life. the basis for every major decision. the concept that most occupies yr mind.
my card is the two of cups. love. traditionally depicted as a man and a woman each with a golden cup (at least since the time of the rider deck, designed by a. e. waite and painted by pamela coleman smith (who was known as "pixie" to her friends) which is prolly the most common tarot deck out there and the one on which most modern decks are based). and, this has been the dominant theme in my life.
where was i? i've gotten completely lost in all this. which maybe says something. and maybe that's the way it's s'posed to be. g'night. maybe i'll be more coherent tomorrow. or less.