Untitled.
19 October 1998
![[ ]](http://mbpix.mushroom.net/19981019y.png)
the following email was sent to gale in the interest of honesty about this move to texas. it is stuff that i should have said months ago, but had a hard time getting out because i feel like in a way i'm stabbing gale in the back. but if it had remained unsaid, i think that would have been even worse.
as we narrow to within a week of the big move, there's a few things that i've been suppressing that i think need to come out into the open. much of this applies to george as well, although i don't claim to speak for him.
neither of us are terribly enthusiastic about see right now. we are both still planning on moving, and things may very well change when we are in bastrop/on the land/etc.
my own enthusiasm started waning even before george got involved. on the day that dmitri announced the postponement of his moving to see, i had driven into new york plagued with self-doubt about see and the fmf and all my grandiose, idealistic dreams. when dmitri said that he wouldn't be moving, i wanted to say "well, i've been having doubts of my own." but by this point things seemed to be resting on my shoulders.
when george started to express an interest, it improved my confidence some. he and i have been friends for most of our lives, and although i had moved to california without knowing anyone there, to think that i wouldn't be alone in this move made it easier.
but, time progressed, and my enthusiasm waned again. i've become very close to a friend that i met in school last fall, and it is hard for me to leave her. (although, she and i both agree that staying simply because of her would certainly not be the right course of action.) my company is continuously on the verge of falling apart, as it has been for the last 3 years, and i'm not sure if it will survive my move. (although there are a number of other factors and as much as i love this company, staying for the sake of a flailing business in an industry that i no longer really want to be a part of would also be foolish.)
so this move is the right thing to do in my life right now. but, and this is an important point, i don't think i can make this move out of some sense of obligation to see or to you or to the fmf (or even to george or myself). these are things that i'm feeling. and i know that they are things that george is feeling as well (and it's probably even more unhealthy for him, as in a way he is leaving because he has spent so long feeling obligations towards his family). i really have to feel that i am making this move for myself, because it is where my heart is leading me. to help in that, i've invested a lot of dreaming time into returning to school to study architecture. ut austin seems like a great place for that, but there may be problems, and if there are, i may have to look elsewhere to follow those dreams.
and maybe my dreams will lead me elsewhere of their own accord. when i left for california i felt i would be there for at least six months, maybe a year or more. after about three months, i decided that it was time to move on again and came back home.
i know that you have a lot of hopes and aspirations and expectations that are riding on us. and i'd like to do my best to help them come true. but i didn't think it would be fair (to you or to me) to jump into this without some words about how i was truly feeling. george and i are both only 23. it seems like just yesterday we were teenagers. i don't think that either of us would use the phrase "responsible adult" self-referentially. as my mom said, we're both kind of flaky to be the initial settlers of this great enterprise. but there's also something magical about that. and the only way to see how it will all turn out is to see how it will all turn out.
i hope i haven't depressed you with any of this. i'd like to think that intuitively you had sensed some of it from george or myself. and as i've said, we are still planning on moving in about a week. and we'll all see how things go from there.
we finally ordered some hard drives for the new servers today. letting everything run on until the last minute as usual at li. or for me. i haven't even started packing yet. (i did start a list of things i need to do this morning.)
i had one of those almost-nightmares where my teeth were all falling out last night. i remembered this when they started hurting today. i need to see a dentist as one of the first things i do when i get to texas.
the new soul coughing album is really good. they're an example of a band that has just gotten better with each release. listening to the forbidden ep by idaho now. also really good. i've had retsin and lotion on repeat in my car lately.
as we narrow to within a week of the big move, there's a few things that i've been suppressing that i think need to come out into the open. much of this applies to george as well, although i don't claim to speak for him.
neither of us are terribly enthusiastic about see right now. we are both still planning on moving, and things may very well change when we are in bastrop/on the land/etc.
my own enthusiasm started waning even before george got involved. on the day that dmitri announced the postponement of his moving to see, i had driven into new york plagued with self-doubt about see and the fmf and all my grandiose, idealistic dreams. when dmitri said that he wouldn't be moving, i wanted to say "well, i've been having doubts of my own." but by this point things seemed to be resting on my shoulders.
when george started to express an interest, it improved my confidence some. he and i have been friends for most of our lives, and although i had moved to california without knowing anyone there, to think that i wouldn't be alone in this move made it easier.
but, time progressed, and my enthusiasm waned again. i've become very close to a friend that i met in school last fall, and it is hard for me to leave her. (although, she and i both agree that staying simply because of her would certainly not be the right course of action.) my company is continuously on the verge of falling apart, as it has been for the last 3 years, and i'm not sure if it will survive my move. (although there are a number of other factors and as much as i love this company, staying for the sake of a flailing business in an industry that i no longer really want to be a part of would also be foolish.)
so this move is the right thing to do in my life right now. but, and this is an important point, i don't think i can make this move out of some sense of obligation to see or to you or to the fmf (or even to george or myself). these are things that i'm feeling. and i know that they are things that george is feeling as well (and it's probably even more unhealthy for him, as in a way he is leaving because he has spent so long feeling obligations towards his family). i really have to feel that i am making this move for myself, because it is where my heart is leading me. to help in that, i've invested a lot of dreaming time into returning to school to study architecture. ut austin seems like a great place for that, but there may be problems, and if there are, i may have to look elsewhere to follow those dreams.
and maybe my dreams will lead me elsewhere of their own accord. when i left for california i felt i would be there for at least six months, maybe a year or more. after about three months, i decided that it was time to move on again and came back home.
i know that you have a lot of hopes and aspirations and expectations that are riding on us. and i'd like to do my best to help them come true. but i didn't think it would be fair (to you or to me) to jump into this without some words about how i was truly feeling. george and i are both only 23. it seems like just yesterday we were teenagers. i don't think that either of us would use the phrase "responsible adult" self-referentially. as my mom said, we're both kind of flaky to be the initial settlers of this great enterprise. but there's also something magical about that. and the only way to see how it will all turn out is to see how it will all turn out.
i hope i haven't depressed you with any of this. i'd like to think that intuitively you had sensed some of it from george or myself. and as i've said, we are still planning on moving in about a week. and we'll all see how things go from there.
we finally ordered some hard drives for the new servers today. letting everything run on until the last minute as usual at li. or for me. i haven't even started packing yet. (i did start a list of things i need to do this morning.)
i had one of those almost-nightmares where my teeth were all falling out last night. i remembered this when they started hurting today. i need to see a dentist as one of the first things i do when i get to texas.
the new soul coughing album is really good. they're an example of a band that has just gotten better with each release. listening to the forbidden ep by idaho now. also really good. i've had retsin and lotion on repeat in my car lately.