Untitled.
25 October 1998
![[ ]](http://mbpix.mushroom.net/19981025y.png)
torrent of emotions. i didn't feel like this about california. i don't think i felt like this about california. i don't remember feeling like this about california. but first the facts.
saturday morning i got up and did some banking, bought a new toothbrush, had a bagel, and then went into li about noon. i did some more work on the servers, carrot boots up into linux now, but i'm not sure it will recognize a network. once it's running, daikon should be easy game.
about three i left for greenfield, stopping in great barrington to eat japanese food for lunch (the second time in three days, yum). i got to greenfield about five, and er!n and i played who can be more difficult about deciding what to do. eventually we headed towards northampton, where the nields were playing. we got there a little late and had to stand in the back of the room, but that was okay. the maggies opened and were really cool. i thought that they should be playing in the club in buffy the vampire slayer, the bronze. (yes, i watch buffy, and think it's one of the best things currently on tv. go ahead and laugh at me now.) i bought their cd and had them sign it afterward. the drummer complimented me on my glasses. the bassist liked my his name is alive t-shirt. the nields were good as always.
from there we went to eat dinner at fire and water. they have live music there on weekends and a woman named ellen cross was playing, and was really good, so i bought her cd too. and she also complimented my glasses. so that was the theme for saturday: buy cds from musicians who like my specs.
after another bout of who can be more difficult, er!n told me to drive southwest, and i said well, my home's southwest, and so's texas, i could just leave now. and she said, 'cept that i have to be in school monday morning. so we only went southwest for a short while. then i decided to give er!n the bean's life in amherst tour. we drove past the scary house where i lived with bret et al, and the current residents seemed to be having a party. i showed her the rubber stamp maker who didn't hire me, and hence sent me packing to california. i mused about how different my life would be if i had got that job. i showed her my dorm at umass and drove through the umass campus. that being the extent of my tour, and it still being shy of midnight, i decided to extend the tour backwards in time. we drove up to northfield, and drove around nmh. since we were in northfield, and i'm leaving real soon now, i decided to stop at bret's house even though it was late. his car wasn't there, and the dogs started making a racket. but, his mom was up. she told me that he had moved into an apartment in greenfield, but had talked about going out to boston this weekend. she gave me bret's new address (he doesn't yet have a phone) and wished me well in texas.
we drove back to greenfield, and then drove around kinda aimlessly for a while looking for bret's street, eventually deciding to get a map out of er!n's car. turns out bret's living about three blocks from er!n. we went and found his apartment, but he wasn't there either. i left a note on his door, and then er!n and i stood on his staircase for a while looking up at the stars. she said there's this tower where the stars would prolly even be better.
so we went there and climbed up, and as we reached the top saw a shooting star. we spent quite a few hours up there, including the extra hour at the end of daylight savings time. until a car pulls up and we hear over a pa system "will the owner of the vehicle please come down." there's a cop down there who informs us that all parks in greenfield close at ten, and could he have our id, and have we ever been arrested, and did we know that this was trespassing, and trespassing's an arrestable offense, and did we have any booze, and all those typical cop things to say. but it was getting to be about time to go get some sleep anyway.
so i got about four hours of sleep on a not too terribly comfortable couch. this morning er!n and i went out to find some breakfast (we ended up buying fruit at stop and shop), and then heading over to beth and ian's apartment. we hung out there for a bit. i fixed another problem with ian's computer by just looking at it (didn't even have to touch the machine). and then the four of us went up to sugarloaf mountain where beth and ian took some photos for their final assignment. we came down and hung out until about three, er!n had to take some photos before the sun went down. so i drove her home, and we hugged, and i drove off.
i had told bret in my note that i'd stop by again today, so i did that. there was a reply note to me on his door, that he was in, but sleeping 'til five, when he was going back out to boston to see a break dancing show (turns out he was at umass on saturday night, playing online video games). i went to get some lunch, and then came back, figuring that he might not have set his alarm clock back, and might actually be getting up at four, which he did. we sat around for a bit, and then went to eat indian food in amherst.
it was in talking with him that it really started to hit me that i'm leaving in two days. i have no idea what the fuck i'm doing. dinner was pretty good. the food woke me up some. when we got back to bret's apartment, er!n's car was parked in the street in front. she was just finishing up a note to me. she had felt that i hadn't left greenfield yet, and had a few more things she wanted to say. we hugged again, and then she drove off.
bret and i talked for a bit longer, and then he left for boston, and i left for home. his parting advice was to stop back at er!n's and give her a "big smooch" goodbye. but i think that would just make things harder.
driving home i almost seriously thought about saying, that's it, trip's off. i'm sure i'll feel that a lot over the next day and a half. bret asked me over dinner if i was sure i wasn't running from commitment. and that is part of it. but not commitment so much as a fear of holding on too tight. and i've had plans to make this move since before i even met er!n.
er!n says, and i agree, that i have to follow my heart. but i don't think my heart is really pulling me to texas. she said in her note that she hopes i find something that i love so much that i never want to come home. not to keep us apart, i'm sure, but so that i will be happy. i wondered on the way home if she asked me to stay, if i would. i wouldn't, but that's because i know she wouldn't ask that. i wondered how people find other people to actually travel the course of their lives with? or more specifically how i will find someone to travel the course of my life with without any obligations. without anything feeling forced. without ever feeling the need to hold on too tightly. can it happen with anything short of incredible coincidence or some sort of divine intervention?
when i visited sonali this summer, we were talking about love, and about the all-consuming, passionate, loose sight of yrself love. the faerie tale type of love, although it always burns out long before the happily-ever-after. driving home tonight i scribbled "at some point, i'd like to spend some large chunks of my life with you." i thought that that might be the closest i could ever come to asking someone to marry me given the recent crumbling of my happily-ever-after complex. but of course i think the marriage bit was really only because of the section of the legal change of name form for "co-petitioning spouse".
i'm so fucking scared right now. but that's definitely not all i'm feeling.
saturday morning i got up and did some banking, bought a new toothbrush, had a bagel, and then went into li about noon. i did some more work on the servers, carrot boots up into linux now, but i'm not sure it will recognize a network. once it's running, daikon should be easy game.
about three i left for greenfield, stopping in great barrington to eat japanese food for lunch (the second time in three days, yum). i got to greenfield about five, and er!n and i played who can be more difficult about deciding what to do. eventually we headed towards northampton, where the nields were playing. we got there a little late and had to stand in the back of the room, but that was okay. the maggies opened and were really cool. i thought that they should be playing in the club in buffy the vampire slayer, the bronze. (yes, i watch buffy, and think it's one of the best things currently on tv. go ahead and laugh at me now.) i bought their cd and had them sign it afterward. the drummer complimented me on my glasses. the bassist liked my his name is alive t-shirt. the nields were good as always.
from there we went to eat dinner at fire and water. they have live music there on weekends and a woman named ellen cross was playing, and was really good, so i bought her cd too. and she also complimented my glasses. so that was the theme for saturday: buy cds from musicians who like my specs.
after another bout of who can be more difficult, er!n told me to drive southwest, and i said well, my home's southwest, and so's texas, i could just leave now. and she said, 'cept that i have to be in school monday morning. so we only went southwest for a short while. then i decided to give er!n the bean's life in amherst tour. we drove past the scary house where i lived with bret et al, and the current residents seemed to be having a party. i showed her the rubber stamp maker who didn't hire me, and hence sent me packing to california. i mused about how different my life would be if i had got that job. i showed her my dorm at umass and drove through the umass campus. that being the extent of my tour, and it still being shy of midnight, i decided to extend the tour backwards in time. we drove up to northfield, and drove around nmh. since we were in northfield, and i'm leaving real soon now, i decided to stop at bret's house even though it was late. his car wasn't there, and the dogs started making a racket. but, his mom was up. she told me that he had moved into an apartment in greenfield, but had talked about going out to boston this weekend. she gave me bret's new address (he doesn't yet have a phone) and wished me well in texas.
we drove back to greenfield, and then drove around kinda aimlessly for a while looking for bret's street, eventually deciding to get a map out of er!n's car. turns out bret's living about three blocks from er!n. we went and found his apartment, but he wasn't there either. i left a note on his door, and then er!n and i stood on his staircase for a while looking up at the stars. she said there's this tower where the stars would prolly even be better.
so we went there and climbed up, and as we reached the top saw a shooting star. we spent quite a few hours up there, including the extra hour at the end of daylight savings time. until a car pulls up and we hear over a pa system "will the owner of the vehicle please come down." there's a cop down there who informs us that all parks in greenfield close at ten, and could he have our id, and have we ever been arrested, and did we know that this was trespassing, and trespassing's an arrestable offense, and did we have any booze, and all those typical cop things to say. but it was getting to be about time to go get some sleep anyway.
so i got about four hours of sleep on a not too terribly comfortable couch. this morning er!n and i went out to find some breakfast (we ended up buying fruit at stop and shop), and then heading over to beth and ian's apartment. we hung out there for a bit. i fixed another problem with ian's computer by just looking at it (didn't even have to touch the machine). and then the four of us went up to sugarloaf mountain where beth and ian took some photos for their final assignment. we came down and hung out until about three, er!n had to take some photos before the sun went down. so i drove her home, and we hugged, and i drove off.
i had told bret in my note that i'd stop by again today, so i did that. there was a reply note to me on his door, that he was in, but sleeping 'til five, when he was going back out to boston to see a break dancing show (turns out he was at umass on saturday night, playing online video games). i went to get some lunch, and then came back, figuring that he might not have set his alarm clock back, and might actually be getting up at four, which he did. we sat around for a bit, and then went to eat indian food in amherst.
it was in talking with him that it really started to hit me that i'm leaving in two days. i have no idea what the fuck i'm doing. dinner was pretty good. the food woke me up some. when we got back to bret's apartment, er!n's car was parked in the street in front. she was just finishing up a note to me. she had felt that i hadn't left greenfield yet, and had a few more things she wanted to say. we hugged again, and then she drove off.
bret and i talked for a bit longer, and then he left for boston, and i left for home. his parting advice was to stop back at er!n's and give her a "big smooch" goodbye. but i think that would just make things harder.
driving home i almost seriously thought about saying, that's it, trip's off. i'm sure i'll feel that a lot over the next day and a half. bret asked me over dinner if i was sure i wasn't running from commitment. and that is part of it. but not commitment so much as a fear of holding on too tight. and i've had plans to make this move since before i even met er!n.
er!n says, and i agree, that i have to follow my heart. but i don't think my heart is really pulling me to texas. she said in her note that she hopes i find something that i love so much that i never want to come home. not to keep us apart, i'm sure, but so that i will be happy. i wondered on the way home if she asked me to stay, if i would. i wouldn't, but that's because i know she wouldn't ask that. i wondered how people find other people to actually travel the course of their lives with? or more specifically how i will find someone to travel the course of my life with without any obligations. without anything feeling forced. without ever feeling the need to hold on too tightly. can it happen with anything short of incredible coincidence or some sort of divine intervention?
when i visited sonali this summer, we were talking about love, and about the all-consuming, passionate, loose sight of yrself love. the faerie tale type of love, although it always burns out long before the happily-ever-after. driving home tonight i scribbled "at some point, i'd like to spend some large chunks of my life with you." i thought that that might be the closest i could ever come to asking someone to marry me given the recent crumbling of my happily-ever-after complex. but of course i think the marriage bit was really only because of the section of the legal change of name form for "co-petitioning spouse".
i'm so fucking scared right now. but that's definitely not all i'm feeling.