Untitled.
26 October 1998
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this morning i dreamt about some sort of high-tech, hands-on science museum that i was chaperoning a bunch of kids at. there were displays about animals and architecture and city-planning and stuff.
i also had a dream that was taking place in some sort of general store-esque building, and had to do with y2k preparation. we were buying candles and things. i was really worried about the impending world collapse. pretty obviously an anxiety about moving dream.
the third dream that i remember a little bit of, involved alex showing up and hitting on on er!n, which really upset me. again the psychological reasons behind the dream are pretty transparent, but i don't know why i projected alex onto that.
i think i've gone beyond my normal levels of procrastination. i think there's a part of me that thinks if i'm not ready to move, i can't move. but there's also a part of me that's saying, fuck it, i'll move regardless. the part that's actually kinda scary though, is the third part that's counting on the second part, and figures if i move, but i'm not really ready to move, that will set up the patterns that will eventually lead me down the road of a self-fulfilling prophesy of failure. when i moved out to california, i got it into my head that i wasn't going to stay there for too long, and so i didn't look too hard for a job, and i didn't really make any friends, and i didn't look into going back to school, and so eventually i felt i had no options but to move on. i see that happening with this texas move.
i know that all this not packing, and procrastinating, and such is some sort of defense mechanism. i am really kinda scared right now. i'm not sure of what exactly, but there's a big part of me that just doesn't want to move. i know that er!n's a part of that, although it occurred to me last night that some of what i'm feeling for her right now might be because of this move. and i know that some of my fear is of finding myself tied down to a situation somewhere else that at the moment i have very little real interest in. but that lack of interest might again be some defense mechanism kicking in.
and i've got servers to configure and things to pack.
i also had a dream that was taking place in some sort of general store-esque building, and had to do with y2k preparation. we were buying candles and things. i was really worried about the impending world collapse. pretty obviously an anxiety about moving dream.
the third dream that i remember a little bit of, involved alex showing up and hitting on on er!n, which really upset me. again the psychological reasons behind the dream are pretty transparent, but i don't know why i projected alex onto that.
i think i've gone beyond my normal levels of procrastination. i think there's a part of me that thinks if i'm not ready to move, i can't move. but there's also a part of me that's saying, fuck it, i'll move regardless. the part that's actually kinda scary though, is the third part that's counting on the second part, and figures if i move, but i'm not really ready to move, that will set up the patterns that will eventually lead me down the road of a self-fulfilling prophesy of failure. when i moved out to california, i got it into my head that i wasn't going to stay there for too long, and so i didn't look too hard for a job, and i didn't really make any friends, and i didn't look into going back to school, and so eventually i felt i had no options but to move on. i see that happening with this texas move.
i know that all this not packing, and procrastinating, and such is some sort of defense mechanism. i am really kinda scared right now. i'm not sure of what exactly, but there's a big part of me that just doesn't want to move. i know that er!n's a part of that, although it occurred to me last night that some of what i'm feeling for her right now might be because of this move. and i know that some of my fear is of finding myself tied down to a situation somewhere else that at the moment i have very little real interest in. but that lack of interest might again be some defense mechanism kicking in.
and i've got servers to configure and things to pack.