magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

just past midnight. more correspondence with er!n. and then prolly a short update tomorrow morning.

rationally i know that holding on can be very healthy at times but i'm not always dominated by the rational side of me still-i try

usually it's the rational side of me that i have to listen to to keep me from holding on too tightly. and that's a side of me that i have a hard time listening too, even if it's saying almost the opposite things from yr rational side.

i might like to hear, that in yr heart, you don't want me to leave.

and sometimes i want to say that but i'm not going to

in my heart i want you to follow your heart i want you to find whatever it is that you're looking for

and to hear that sometimes you want to say that makes me feel special, and to hear that yr not going to say it 'cause you want me to find what i'm looking for makes me feel special too.

we differ in a sense that i am what eric calls a go getter i know what i want and am constantly making moves to get there i'm driven to do what makes me happy it seems like you're a bit more confused or unsure actually i tend to think that you are very sure but you don't always seem to trust yourself instead you seem to be just waiting for something anything you've admitted to being in this waiting stage yourself

which sums it up pretty well. i use confusion as an excuse a lot, but really, i'm rarely confused about things. maybe just afraid. maybe something else. there are really two things that are terribly important in my life. the need to create. specifically to write, but i'm drawn to all the other arts as well. (and even more specifically the need to create magical places, which is how architecture fits into that.) and love. and as much as i may try to rationalize it away, that remains a driving factor in my life. and so generally i'm kinda scared of the second one, given my introversion, and the fact that i've messed it up in the past. and as far as creating, i'm not sure what it is that keeps me from really following my dreams.

i'm not sure that i agree with you when you say that this move may be a part of the jumping into you're life thing but i guess it all depends on what you decide you want from you're life but really that's for you to figure out

i think that reason i see it that way (or i'd like to see it that way 'cause i need some good reason for doing it that involves doing it for me) is that maybe this sort of fresh start will jump start something creative in me. one of the good things that came out of my time in california was that i was involved in a lot of online collaborative art (at www.sito.org), and i did a good deal of writing, which i hadn't done much of in a while. the change of scene was good just to get things moving again. i hope that some of the same things come out of this move. and some of it may be just 'cause of my gypsy genes, that i only really feel the full force of my creativity when i'm mobile.

of course that doesn't do a whole lot to foster the second important facet of my life, love. except maybe that giving myself over to the creative part of my being fosters a feeling of being more at home with myself and therefor more able to share my life.

[...]

i think that part of the problems i'm having with this texas move is that it was too planned out. that i feel much better about things when i just roll with them. i moved out to california with about a month's planning. and it didn't work out in the long run as a permanent step in my life, but it was an important part of my life, and i think lead me in a lot of good directions from there.

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so, getting off to a super-late start as per usual. but i'm packed and out the door. for friends in new england: i'll miss you. for friends not in new england: i miss you already. and if i end up staying in texas, you have to come visit.

updates for the next couple days will come in a bunch after i've found some net access in texas. see ya all then.

love,
bean