magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

from er!n (spaces added for readability):

we're drifting aren't we? earlier i was driving back from connecticut it was pouring rain with fog blanketing the scene it was dark my car was drifting i thought that we were much the same way i shut off the radio to listen to the rain the lightning was so beautiful i felt safe in my car even though i know that my car is not lightning proof...it was...ok

by convention, there would be an apart implied in the first sentence. but, it's noticeably absent. the short answer would be yes, we are drifting. about the same time that you were prolly having these thoughts (i'll be addressing er!n in second person; for those of you who aren't er!n, as most of you aren't, just bear with me), i stepped outside and stood on the balcony and was thinking about you.

i can't say what i was thinking exactly, it wasn't a completely formed thought process. but i think it was along similar lines. i don't entirely feel like i'm in control of my life right now. part of that is entirely unrelated, the whole risd app thing. but the more apropos part of that feeling was about how you are (or potentially are) a pretty significant part of my life, but at the same time there's an unreality to our relationship. as we've talked about, we're on separate sides of the glass.

and just the idea of being in something that i could call a relationship to begin with. it's been four or five years. and being an incurable romantic i spent those years wishing to find someone. and i don't even know exactly what this is that we have between us. besides two thousand miles, which is part of the problem. i do know that i enjoy spending time with you. given the chance, i'd like to spend more of my time with you.

when i was at umass, and the reality of my world did not extend far beyond my dorm room, i posted something of a rant to a mailing list i was on, and finished with a line from a mercury rev song: i've got an urge to be a lightning bolt. and yr car drifting through the dark, like us. and rain and fog. and lightning. and we're not lightning proof either. but it's okay.

it's 330 in the morning now and i've got class in a couple of hours. i do have more to say though.

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more from er!n (again, spaces are mine):

i was afraid to say that the feeling of us drifting was ok that maybe you would not feel that way at all but in all honesty it wasn't a bad feeling not even scary just kinda peaceful just a thought and eventually the thought drifted too and you're right we're not lightning proof and it is ok

i've been pretty much okay with the entire flow of our relationship so far. and we haven't always vocalized it, but it seems as if we've often been in a similar place at the same time (although we've seen it through the filter of our respective differing experiences).

if drifting were to become ending, that would be painful, i think. although even that would be okay in time. but, as i see it anyway, drifting is just drifting. and it's dark, and foggy. but also peaceful, and safe, and okay.

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in retrospect, the thought i had on my balcony yesterday was along the lines of: it might be easier just to let things drift for the time being. that wasn't the wording exactly. more like: it might be easier to continue to think of myself as single. not that that means anything, it's really just a conceptual distinction. if i'm still single, i am in a way still searching for my faerie princess. if when this austin phase of my life is over, er!n and i drift back towards (which is the plan), maybe at that point i will find that she represents that role in my life. but i'm not really sure about any of this (as i said, the thought was only half formed).

this does lead nicely into what will prolly be my last thought for today though: there's a new "faerie tale" on the words page, happy birthday er!n.