Untitled.
15 March 1999
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beware the ides of march, as the saying goes.
mail from er!n in response to my thoughts after talking with her on the phone:
on a more basic level though, there's always been a lot else going on. and all that stuff is constantly changing shape and colour. i have definitely had a very concrete desire at points to return to some sort of relationship. we've both tried out the boyfriend/girlfriend labels, to varying degrees of success. when we talked of drifting, our relationship didn't seem any less likely, just more distant. and that feeling has continued to grow, in a way.
the other morning, before you called, i was thinking about what things between us would be like when i got home. if we started back at friends would we end up traveling the same (or a similar) route that leads to more than that? would the intervening time just sort of fade away, as an extended, but receding dream? or would things never really be the same? i think the only way to find out is just to wait and see.
mail from er!n in response to my thoughts after talking with her on the phone:
close friends are good / i'm not sure what to say / i think that it's clear that we make better friends than anything else anyway / as much as i've wanted a relationship with us / it tends to feel self destructive(responses likely in second person, directed toward er!n. you know the drill by now.) i think the surface consensus on our relationship has always been "we'll see how we feel about things when i find my way back to new england". my return to the northeast had always been something of a given, i think, even before i left. i don't see the overarching theme as having changed any. it's still something we'll have to figure out when i come home.
on a more basic level though, there's always been a lot else going on. and all that stuff is constantly changing shape and colour. i have definitely had a very concrete desire at points to return to some sort of relationship. we've both tried out the boyfriend/girlfriend labels, to varying degrees of success. when we talked of drifting, our relationship didn't seem any less likely, just more distant. and that feeling has continued to grow, in a way.
the other morning, before you called, i was thinking about what things between us would be like when i got home. if we started back at friends would we end up traveling the same (or a similar) route that leads to more than that? would the intervening time just sort of fade away, as an extended, but receding dream? or would things never really be the same? i think the only way to find out is just to wait and see.
it's true i care about you a lot / but it's easier to type anything to you rather than say it / i have a hard time talking to you in general / it makes me afraid that you'll never know mei don't know how to respond to that, except to say: in time. i mean, on one hand it's been a year and a half since we first met, which seems like a long time, but really, yr still one of my newest friends. it takes me years to really cultivate friendships, just sorta the way i am i guess.