Untitled.
16 March 1999
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i got another lousy night of sleep last night. i basically tossed and turned, uncomfortable and halfway between sleep and waking until about 5am 'cause my whole body ached, and got up to take some tylenol and then tried to force myself to just lie still until it kicked in. and i was planning on getting up early to do some work that i've been procrastinating for weeks. but at that point i decided that that wasn't going to happen. not that's there's any guarantee that i would have gotten anything done, even if i had been out of bed around eight.
so when i did get up i tried to just be relaxed, and ate some breakfast (i was eating, imagine that. but don't worry, i'm just about out of food and broke, so i won't be making a habit of it.) then i logged on and had a chat with daniel, which i had been avoiding because of some work that i had been procrastinating. it's almost like he's the teacher and i'm sitting in the back of the room 'cause i didn't get the homework done. (although, about the time i was at umass i picked up the habit of sitting right up in the front of the room, even when i didn't do a damned bit of homework. to make myself seem more interested or something. and really i always have been interested in learning. just quiet, so i have to make up for that somehow.)
but the point here is that i'm a slacker. and i hate it. i talk about it tongue-in-cheek, almost with a sense of pride, but that really belies the sense of loathing i have for this way of living my life. of procrastinating things until they snowball to the point where i can't get back on top of them. of not eating, yes because i have no money, but mostly because i'm too lazy to. there's just something wrong with that. i'm not depressed in the way i was in high school, but i'm still far from being mentally fit.
and i don't know what to do about. i tell myself that 'this semester in school will be different', 'this freelance coding project will be different', 'this next week i'm gonna start sleeping normal hours and eating three meals a day'. and maybe i'm on top of things for a week or two. but then.
so when i did get up i tried to just be relaxed, and ate some breakfast (i was eating, imagine that. but don't worry, i'm just about out of food and broke, so i won't be making a habit of it.) then i logged on and had a chat with daniel, which i had been avoiding because of some work that i had been procrastinating. it's almost like he's the teacher and i'm sitting in the back of the room 'cause i didn't get the homework done. (although, about the time i was at umass i picked up the habit of sitting right up in the front of the room, even when i didn't do a damned bit of homework. to make myself seem more interested or something. and really i always have been interested in learning. just quiet, so i have to make up for that somehow.)
but the point here is that i'm a slacker. and i hate it. i talk about it tongue-in-cheek, almost with a sense of pride, but that really belies the sense of loathing i have for this way of living my life. of procrastinating things until they snowball to the point where i can't get back on top of them. of not eating, yes because i have no money, but mostly because i'm too lazy to. there's just something wrong with that. i'm not depressed in the way i was in high school, but i'm still far from being mentally fit.
and i don't know what to do about. i tell myself that 'this semester in school will be different', 'this freelance coding project will be different', 'this next week i'm gonna start sleeping normal hours and eating three meals a day'. and maybe i'm on top of things for a week or two. but then.