magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i think that i feel worse (both physically and emotionally) in my room than any of the other places i'm likely to be found. but i end up spending most of my time here anyway. i guess it's because i can be complacent. and complacency's easy. i don't have to try. i don't have try to be more social. i don't have to try to be more motivated. more creative. more friendly.

my thought process proceeded with: and if i don't have to try, i can't fail. but i'm not sure if that's my hang-up. i'm not sure if failure is something i'm necessarily afraid of. my egotism tells me i'm incapable of it. my inferiority tells me i should be used to it.

i saw jen twice briefly today. once in the met at lunch, she was getting a sandwich to go. once as i was leaving the library, i crossed paths with her and yuka as they were headed back to the isb to work on their pastel homework. i feel like this is turning into such a high school thing. that it's hardly even a crush anymore. just a way of feeling to fall back on. because it's easy. because i don't have to try to be okay with being alone.

and the other track that's that running in my head is a desire to milk this all for dramatic effect. i read back over the last three months of my journal entries today (the nomination process for the diarist.net awards for the fourth quarter of 1999 started today, and it prompted me to be retrospective). and the last three months of my life were boring. i guess in a way it's all about drama. it's not about wanting attention, it's just that i've got theatre in my blood, you know.

or, maybe it is about attention. look at me. pay attention to me. acknowledge my ego 'cause i'm afraid i'm not living up to my own self-image.

and i feel guilty about wanting attention. no, you really should just ignore me, 'cause it's all a stupid, contrived stunt to get noticed. and what's sad, is that's it's true. it's all totally contrived. i planned on mentioning the diarist.net awards in the hopes that someone would nominate me. i didn't link it because i didn't want to make it too obvious. but my last three months really were shit.

and if i'm not interesting, i'm not worth anyone's attention. the best i'd get would be pity. and while there's a part of me with a masochistic fascination with being pitied, that's something i know i don't want. and i couldn't respect anyone who pitied me anyway. or anyone who expressed attention at all. and in my head i'm thinking of the one response that i'd find acceptable and thinking that i shouldn't even mention it and see if anyone who happens to read this reaches it themselves.

more contrived game playing. stupid.

i'm just going to say it to myself: get over it. okay?

okay.