magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i dreamt about allison at some point last night. and also about a large circular auditorium in which there were rehearsals going on for a shakespeare play (not sure which one) that i was in but always late to because of architecture commitments, and also these odd frisbee games, which i also played in, and got punched in the face by a coach for a team we were playing against, who i then wrestled to the ground and held until the police showed up so that i could press charges. and another dream in which i was traveling over large distances (on some different world maybe) on a boat or some sort of airship with a couple of friends. one of them had this computerized notepad that you could get news stories on, but all the news was out of date.

later in the day, listening to lotion, i had a memory that must also be of a dream, although it seems more real, of walking past a club somewhere near the risd campus that reminded me of the bronze from buffy but that had been shut down, and i was upset at that 'cause i thought it would have been a really cool place to hang out. and i may have had memories of actually hanging out there at some point in the past.

ate brunch alone. took advantage of the relatively nice weather today to walk up to bread and circus and buy some vitamins and soap. listened to some music. talked to sam online.

went to dinner. saw some of the people from susie's last night, but sat with transfer students instead. jen had been there when i came in, but left before i got my food.

came home, and really didn't want to sit alone in my room. 'cause i've been feeling very bi-polar and reliving all these emotions that i haven't had to quite this extent since high school. and it being sunday and all. so i took mason & dixon and a journal and headed to the library. which was not a lot better as far as having people around, but at least it wasn't my room.

and i couldn't make myself concentrate enough to read, but i wrote a bunch more of what i was feeling. it's the second day that i've done that. i've been using little scraps of paper (the one's for writing down call numbers), but in a way it's like keeping a paper journal again. all the sort of unfiltered thoughts and little snippets of things that my early paper journals were filled with.

some of the thoughts i've been having are pretty dark too. and it's not bad to recognize that they are there. but i really could do without the jealousy and self-destructiveness and paranoia.

came home when i had had enough of the library. played guitar until i cut my wrist on the strings. talked to er!n on the phone. couldn't get ahold of george or sonali. all these phone calls are definitely a little out of character.