magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

chris took off for nyc this afternoon. this is the first time that i've been in my new place alone for more than a couple of hours. listened to music. wrote email. but i've grown so accustomed to having other people around. even if they're just sitting quietly in the next room. the presence of people is different than the lack of people.

and yet.

and yet i'm still a very solitary person in a lot of ways. i certainly don't like large groups of people. i'm still awfully quiet. to the point of driving some people away, possibly.

i guess for all my conflicts and contradictions, lonely is something that is going to stick with me. if not in the forefront of my experience, at least lingering somewhere in the back of my awareness.

alternately, i could have no idea what i'm talking about. i'm kinda tired, feeling a little spacy, and earlier this evening spent a while thinking about and responding to a three and a half month old email from cybèle, dealing in large part with ex-girlfriends.

so yeah. no roommate for the weekend. ex-girlfriends on the brain. of course i'm going to be feeling lonely. and almost directionless enough to clean.