magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

slept terribly. today felt like the day after an all-nighter. super tired, that queasy sort of stomach feeling. nerves.

but my crit was first, and so over early on. although, the first project always takes forever because the critics have to get acquainted with the problem. someone told me later that it had lasted over an hour. but it only felt like about twenty-five minutes to me.

earlier in the day stef had left a card on my desk. a little note, something along the lines of "keep me updated" and her email and phone numbers. in retrospect, she seemed a little shy about the whole thing.

over the course of the crit she was pretty persistent in flirting with me. putting an arm around me, or her hand on mine. all fairly innocent, but somewhere near the line between simply friendly and suggestive. and i responded along the same lines.

half our section went out for dinner after the crit. stef sat next to me. i had found myself hoping that she would. and the flirting continued. after dinner she was meeting her friend kc and they gave me a ride home. the words "what am i going to do with you?" were asked, and unanswered except maybe for eye contact. getting out of the car, stef told me that if she didn't see me at the party later (zanetta's birthday, which i had heard about third-hand, but thought that i probably should stop by anyway if i wasn't too tired), that she would come and find me, a little tongue-in-cheek, but the overtones of "i want to see you later" were there.

i turned on the tv and during the commercials began pop-psychologizing my motivations. for at least six months i've been telling myself that i don't really want to get involved right now. for a whole bunch of reasons. i'm leaving for rome for a year. i should try to stay focussed on my work. quite a bit of the time i still don't really feel emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship. (yeah i know, at nearly 26. in the middle ages i could have grandkids by now.)

but of course i've never stopped looking. over those six months i've probably had some sort of crush type feelings for a good half dozen or so people. i started thinking that maybe it was because it is the end of the year, because i'm going to rome, because of stef's history, i could indulge in playing at one of these crushes, but it would all be very no-fault when it didn't work out.

i turned the tv off and fell asleep in the living room for about an hour then moved to my own room. garth and chris.k came home about fifteen minutes after that. i heard one say to the other "i take it bean's passed out in his room?"

without opening my eyes, without moving, i responded "something like that." and exchanged a few other words with chris.k.

a little later the phone rang. "no, i think he's sleeping, can i take a message?" i got up.

"who was that?"

"they didn't leave a message. i heard noise in the background."

i figured it was stef and gave her a call. "i didn't want to wake you up," she said.

"well, he could have handed me the phone, i had just been talking to him."

"are you going to come to this party? i want to see you."

and i deliberated for a while, and then went. talked with some transfers who i don't see much of anymore. hugh. alex.h. sat on a couch next to stef. we held hands.

when the party was winding down she said "so, i'm not good with subtlety so i'm just going to say it: would you like someone to sleep next to you on yr last night in yr own room? and i mean sleep next to, i respect you too much to suggest sleeping with you."

and i said, after a pause, "i would like to sleep next to someone, but not at my place 'cause my roommates would be bitches abut it."

and so we went to her place. and didn't actually sleep a whole lot, but didn't go quite so far as to have sex either. i think that maybe because i felt that this might not even last beyond one night, i couldn't go that far.

[continues]