magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

[previously]

we spent a good chunk of the day in bed together. talking, kissing, dozing. when we were finally getting up she asked if i was interested in trying to make an actual relationship work. not in so many words, but that was the idea. earlier she had said that she wished she was going to italy next year too. and really, i was surprised. and i didn't know what to say.

"part of me wants to." and i wasn't sure it was even true, but what could i say? and maybe it was true. i hadn't been after a one night stand. i knew that. but had i been expecting no-fault failure? is there really even such a thing? or, am i capable of such a thing?

somehow everything seemed as if it was a whole lot to deal with all of a sudden. i had really just been letting the current take me until this point. but now i had to take more of an active role in the unfolding of things. and maybe that's what i was really afraid of. maybe that's what i've always been afraid of. and looking at it now, with a little perspective, it seems like it might come back to failing. and not failing so much as just not being good enough. if i don't try and i fail i can still say i could have succeeded. but if i try and fail, i have to recognize my own imperfections. (as if this whole psychology is not an imperfection in itself, but it's amazing what we can rationalize.)