magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

stef called late tonight, from the place she's staying in providence. (er!n was right, she did call.) and all the rest of this just felt really stupid. but i'm going to leave it as a record of my stupid insecurities.

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so i've basically just been a wreck all day. no word from stef since the brief voicemail message at quarter till five yesterday afternoon. and so, not only have i been worrying, but all my various insecurities have cropped up.

like: if she feels like she has to leave home, to remove herself from her family, will she feel someday that she has to remove herself from me as well? a long-term relationship is really the next closest thing to family, and we're not there yet, but that's the goal, right?

and: she and susan were going to go to boston today for stef's ex-boyfriend matt's birthday. matt was her first (and really only serious) boyfriend. they broke up over three years ago, but have gotten back together, more casually, on and off since then, including his birthday every year. this is the first time that she's been serious about someone else, and i know that she really does like me a lot, but there's something easy and seductive about old habits.

and i know that some of this is projection. that i'm seduced by old habits. i'm worried about my own commitment as well as hers. i'm sure that's where all these recent dreams about allison have been coming from.

i actually spent a good part of the afternoon in the mall, looking for something for stef (unsuccessfully), to try and not worry so much. and then called er!n this evening. and she helped me step back from things a bit and see them a little more clearly. and now i'm trying to think of soup, and not worry.