magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

stef's response to my email from last night was a bit more in the way of unfiltered emotion and didn't all make sense.

[...] I don't want to be like this i want to want to be with you every second and when I look at you i want to want you so badly but I don't.

[...]

there are other things like stuff I have been keeping from you, you obviously know that I have been continuing to smoke and the only reason I don't talk about it or do it around you is because I know it makes you really sad and I don't want to do that, but I still feel like I am keeping something from you and I can't.

[...]

I soo soo sooo want to be with you through Italy but lately I have wondering if I cant be without you for one day how can I be without you for eight months?

[...]

I love that we can get so close to each other in bed and I really treasure that time we have together but I am missing what the nympho in me needs. [...] I guess the time has come to talk about my problem with sex, I think about it and need it much more than any girl I know. So you need to understand my take on this. I believe that there different planes of intimacy, not necessarily levels but planes, what I am scared about is the fact that we mainly live on only one of these planes but it's the most emotionally invested one, and what I am craving is the not too emotional one. [...]

depending on how you read between the lines, she's either falling in love or wants to break up. i didn't think it was the latter, but sort of pictured myself asking her, "so do you still want to do this?" expecting her to say yes, i planned out the rest of the evening. a walk over to collier point park, where we had talked of going but had yet to go. i could take some pictures, and we could sit and talk or just hold hands or whatever. then out to dinner, maybe japanese. and then home.

and as it turns out, i didn't have to ask her. there was some timidity, but we greeted each other affectionately. she and brendan and greer were watching a video that blake had made earlier in the summer. in it was a scene where stef said "look at the note that bean left me." and the camera zoomed in on it. and she was a little embarrassed by all this, but in the video she was so happy and some of that transfered over into the way she was feeling now.

we did go out to collier point. i took photos. we talked. about some difficult stuff, but the bottom line is that this is something that we both really want. and we'll make it work.

and dinner was nice. going out with her is nice.

spending the night with her is nice.