magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

so last night was my first experience of the "cock-wrassle" (actually a club called the rock castle that's about a hundred feet out our front door in the basement of the pallazo cenci proper). the other night at the cornell party someone asked me about the places that i went out to, since i had already been in rome for some time. "i didn't really go out last semester," i said. and it's somewhat telling that i had never been to the club that's right downstairs.

it isn't anything special. they're going for a hip, medieval dungeon look. it seems like it might have the potential to be kind of a cool place, it has the same sort of architectural feel as gallapogos in brooklyn, but doesn't pull off the right ambiance. it didn't help that wednesday is foreign college night, or some such. the place was completely packed with loud americans and the music was mostly mid-nineties alternative rock.

and so i wouldn't say that i had lots of fun necessarily, but i wouldn't call it a wasted evening either. getting out is a step certainly, it's good for me. i did find myself wishing that i was a little bit more talkative, a little more outgoing. that maybe my new pink hair should have sparked some sort of reciprocal change in my demeanor. maybe in increments.

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rain today. laundry finally, so i'm wearing all black. damp, dark, and dreary or shadowy and stylish. take yr pick.

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I miss you Im not ready for this yet please understand that I will with u in May but not Feb. -S

there were cornell kids here. someone asked if there was any alcohol. i told alex.l that i had a bottle of amaretto, but that i didn't really want it to all disappear. i left to check my email again. when i came back he asked if i had gone off to drink the amaretto by myself. "no, but i might if this chocolate doesn't work."

the chocolate kinda did. talked with emily.a for a while as well, which was good. sort of working backwards from this most recent phone message, to my last conversation with stef. the summer. how we started. no resolution except to wait. things will be as they'll be. talking about it all out loud though, i'm not sure that it's really true that i'll really get over anything that happens. but maybe that's just the distance.