magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

isn't alcohol supposed to make everything better?

i remember saying once how i couldn't understand how anyone could be a violent drunk. but i'm kind of drunk and in an awful mood and could see how someone predisposed to violence could turn that way in this sort of frame of mind. i'm just feeling the urge to be pissy and indignant, but of course i'm not even really showing that outwardly.

on the whole the day wasn't bad. we went to the studio of an architectural historian in the morning who had put together an exhibition of masterplans of rome from about 1870 almost up until the present. and he talked about them, and about the history involved, and it was all really quite interesting. made me want to look back at the pope's rhinoceros or i, claudius with a historic map by my side to look up the places that are referenced in those books.

then a comic book store. i picked up blame! 6 (in italian) and also an italian comic called l'eta selvaggia. good pizza for lunch. a nice nap. more pizza and conversation for dinner.

but then people (sonia and lindsey, later alex.l and sarah.b as well) were going out to a club, probably stardust in trastevere, which for the name alone i am curious about, but i didn't go because i always have a hard time insinuating myself into other people's plans, even if it would have been as simple as just grabbing my jacket and going with them, and i wasn't ever asked directly if i wanted to come.

so i sat in the kitchen and drank amaretto and rice milk and talked with emily.a. then paolo closed the studios and kitchens (at midnight) and we went to the lounge briefly, but then she left to make some phone calls and/or go to bed. and i sat with jane and paolo and reid for a while, but the upset feeling with myself for not being more outgoing was already turning into a sort of drunk, pissed off feeling, and it only intensified when the other kids came back from wherever it was that they went off to.

of course i didn't let any of it out, and was all nice and congenial, even when i went to get them my blue guide of rome and my seat in the lounge was taken while i was just next door in my room.

basically what it amounts to is: one, drinking by yrself is stupid. two, if you want to go out with people you should just go and not feel all self-conscious about not being asked specifically. three, you shouldn't be entertaining crushes on anyone other than yr girlfriend, even if yr status with her is currently a little ambiguous.

i suppose i should explain myself a little with that last point, but not right now.